Dreaming, hoping, wishing, desiring - all are things that can be scary. What if it doesn't happen? What if my hopes comes crashing down? What if my dreams come to an abrupt halt? I don't know if I can handle the disappointment, so instead of dreaming, hoping, wishing, desiring, I'll just put those things on a shelf to guard my heart.
Yikes! That's a scary conversation to have with yourself...or anyone else for that matter. I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but I've definitely had this underlying thought that I'll guard my heart and manage my hopes and dreams in the name of wisdom and stewardship, but in reality what I've done is put my heart in a closet, locked it up and put the key in a hiding place that I can't remember. And the scary part is not the possibility of disappointment; the scary part is that you've shut down a part of your heart that God created, which ultimately means, "Hey God, I don't actually trust you with this thing in my heart because it could be painful, or I'm not sure if it's of you - maybe it's too 'worldly' - so I'm just gonna take that out of your control and hold onto it, because I clearly know what's best for my heart more than You." Now THAT is a scary thought - us trusting ourselves more than we trust the One who made us and knows everything about us (even those things we don't know about ourselves).
So what now? Well, here is my experience over the last couple of months and the beginning of a heart journey with Holy Spirit.
In March, I had the opportunity to go back to OC for a ministry trip and was able to reconnect with some of the same beautiful people that I met on my first OC trip in November. While I was loving my time reconnecting and meeting new people, I had the worst attitude...I know, me have an attitude? Go figure. (Those who know me are rolling their eyes right now.) Anyway, I came so alive on my first trip to OC that I was expecting something similar for this trip even though I knew it would be different because we had a different team, and I trusted the Lord had new things in store, but over the last couple of months, I found the liveliness that I experienced on the first trip had slowly begun to dissipate. What is happening, Lord? Why am I not excited about anything? What is going on in my heart? All good questions but meaningless if you don't wait on the Lord to hear the answers...or if you don't want to hear the answers and actually apply them.
On the second day of the trip we had an ice breaker game (Don't you just love those?) where we chose a number and then were asked a question that lined up with the number. My question was, "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" Insert eye roll and bad attitude. I hate this question. Who thinks that far ahead? So my leader reworded the question: "If you could do anything and there were no objects in the way, what would you want to be doing in ten years?" Hmmmm. That's a little different. That kind of feels like a dreaming question. I answered the question and then held it in my heart for the rest of the trip. The next day or so we had a Bible study where the topic was "Dreaming with God," which was interesting, because we had recently read the book Dreaming with God by Bill Johnson for homework. I think there's a theme here. Ok, cutting to the chase. I ended up having a beautiful conversation with my friend Mary, and she told me, "Melody, the devil has perverted the phrase, 'I can be content anywhere,' by allowing it to masquerade as wisdom, but it's actually taken away permission from your heart to dream." BOOM - MIC DROP.
This explosion of revelation went off in my mind and heart when she said that. I realized that over the last few years I had told myself that I can be content anywhere, which is really true, but I had abused that phrase to keep my emotional heart and dreams at bay, because they didn't feel realistic or responsible, or maybe because I just felt like it was just my thoughts or "of the world." But the truth is, I won't actually know if these dreams and hopes are from the Lord unless I take time to explore them with Him and choose to trust, whether they're from Him or not, that He will redirect me if necessary, and that He will actually work all things out for my good. He always has our best in store, and when we partner with Him in journeys of discovery, I believe we'll find out things we never knew about Him or ourselves, and we may even be surprised in the best way possible.
All that to say, will you ask Holy Spirit to guide you on the journey of discovery into the deep things of your heart (and His) and trust that He'll help you balance stewardship over the things that are currently in your life and allow you to stay present while also searching out the hopes and dreams He's deposited in you for your good and the good of others? Will you trust Him with the possibility of disappointment? Will you trust Him with the possibility of your dreams actually becoming a reality? Will you trust that He'll redirect you if needed? Will you choose to believe He's trustworthy and that He cares about the small things in your heart that you've shelved for years? Will you trust that He's a better driver than you are in this journey of life? Will you give your heart permission to dream with God and believe that the keys to those deep things of your heart are better off in His hands than hidden away on a shelf?
Yikes! That's a scary conversation to have with yourself...or anyone else for that matter. I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but I've definitely had this underlying thought that I'll guard my heart and manage my hopes and dreams in the name of wisdom and stewardship, but in reality what I've done is put my heart in a closet, locked it up and put the key in a hiding place that I can't remember. And the scary part is not the possibility of disappointment; the scary part is that you've shut down a part of your heart that God created, which ultimately means, "Hey God, I don't actually trust you with this thing in my heart because it could be painful, or I'm not sure if it's of you - maybe it's too 'worldly' - so I'm just gonna take that out of your control and hold onto it, because I clearly know what's best for my heart more than You." Now THAT is a scary thought - us trusting ourselves more than we trust the One who made us and knows everything about us (even those things we don't know about ourselves).
So what now? Well, here is my experience over the last couple of months and the beginning of a heart journey with Holy Spirit.
In March, I had the opportunity to go back to OC for a ministry trip and was able to reconnect with some of the same beautiful people that I met on my first OC trip in November. While I was loving my time reconnecting and meeting new people, I had the worst attitude...I know, me have an attitude? Go figure. (Those who know me are rolling their eyes right now.) Anyway, I came so alive on my first trip to OC that I was expecting something similar for this trip even though I knew it would be different because we had a different team, and I trusted the Lord had new things in store, but over the last couple of months, I found the liveliness that I experienced on the first trip had slowly begun to dissipate. What is happening, Lord? Why am I not excited about anything? What is going on in my heart? All good questions but meaningless if you don't wait on the Lord to hear the answers...or if you don't want to hear the answers and actually apply them.
On the second day of the trip we had an ice breaker game (Don't you just love those?) where we chose a number and then were asked a question that lined up with the number. My question was, "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" Insert eye roll and bad attitude. I hate this question. Who thinks that far ahead? So my leader reworded the question: "If you could do anything and there were no objects in the way, what would you want to be doing in ten years?" Hmmmm. That's a little different. That kind of feels like a dreaming question. I answered the question and then held it in my heart for the rest of the trip. The next day or so we had a Bible study where the topic was "Dreaming with God," which was interesting, because we had recently read the book Dreaming with God by Bill Johnson for homework. I think there's a theme here. Ok, cutting to the chase. I ended up having a beautiful conversation with my friend Mary, and she told me, "Melody, the devil has perverted the phrase, 'I can be content anywhere,' by allowing it to masquerade as wisdom, but it's actually taken away permission from your heart to dream." BOOM - MIC DROP.This explosion of revelation went off in my mind and heart when she said that. I realized that over the last few years I had told myself that I can be content anywhere, which is really true, but I had abused that phrase to keep my emotional heart and dreams at bay, because they didn't feel realistic or responsible, or maybe because I just felt like it was just my thoughts or "of the world." But the truth is, I won't actually know if these dreams and hopes are from the Lord unless I take time to explore them with Him and choose to trust, whether they're from Him or not, that He will redirect me if necessary, and that He will actually work all things out for my good. He always has our best in store, and when we partner with Him in journeys of discovery, I believe we'll find out things we never knew about Him or ourselves, and we may even be surprised in the best way possible.
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| Journal doodles for your enjoyment - you're welcome. |
