Honestly Honest

Honestly honest. What does that even mean? I’m really not sure, it just sounded catchy. However, I’m realizing the value of being honest with myself. When I was younger, I remember getting mad very easily, and in a recent conversation with my sister, we laughed at how angry and mean I would get when my sisters wouldn’t let me play with them (the pitfall of being the youngest sibling).  On one of those occasions, I apparently destroyed their newly constructed Barbie house like I was Godzilla. While it’s funny now, when I look back at things like that, I realize it was just a reaction to pain - the all too familiar pain of rejection. I would venture to say that many of us have experienced that very pain throughout our lifetimes whether it was with siblings, other family members, peers, romantic relationships, leaders, coworkers, etc. It just seems to be part of life that we internalize as “normal” and keep moving on with our lives.

In what we deem “normal” - rejection, pain, fear, all the feels and emotions - or "everyday" things that are bound to happen sooner or later, I’ve experienced (at some point or another) all of the following reactions that we can have: as seen in little Godzilla Melody at the age of five or six, we react in anger out of pain, which usually ends up hurting others; we spiral into the black hole of depression; or we go to the complete opposite end of the spectrum and push the hurt and pain down, lock it away in a vault and toss it to the bottom of the ocean of our hearts and tell ourselves, “This is just part of life; everything’s going to be ok; take it one day at a time, have a good attitude, and just keep moving on.” Oh, the detriment I’m now finding from the years of hearing or telling this to myself.

Ok, ok, hear me out. I’m not saying that we can’t encourage ourselves with statements that help us get through each day, because, let’s be real, sometimes we’re the only ones that can encourage ourselves not because others aren’t around, but we’re the ones who talk to ourselves the most. Oh, you know you talk to yourself. Don’t deny it. It’s fine. It's not weird at all - I do it ALL the time. BUT our self-talk can make or break us at times, so sometimes we tell ourselves what we have to in order to survive and get through the day, week, month, etc. However, I’m finding that in tandem with encouraging myself, I also HAVE to be honest with myself about how I experienced things. Along with the “Hey, you’re going to be ok,” I have to include, “Hey, that really sucked! That actually hurt a lot and the pain of rejection is very real in this moment.”

Over the years, for the sake of not wanting to sound weak, ungrateful, unfaithful, or unchristian-like, I’ve left out the, “That REALLY sucked!” part and just told myself, “You’ll get through this; just get over it, because that’s life,” but what I really ended up doing through that was take away the voice and permission of my heart to feel and experience the full spectrum of emotions that we were created with, which I have also found can only last for so long before an emotional breakdown ending in the fetal position is bound to happen. Yes, I can vouch for this from personal experience on more than one occasion, and if you ever hear me tell the stories in person, I’ll laugh the whole time now, because I imagine it as a dramatic movie scene and then realize how dramatic I really am. It’s not to downplay the pain of those situations, but it’s great to be able to laugh at yourself even in tough times.

So what’s the point, Melody? Come on, get to it already! Alright, alright, alright (said in a Matthew Mcconaughey voice - you're welcome). After three weeks of breaking down daily and looking back over my life seeing this pattern of shutting down the negative emotions because they’re “bad,” “ungodly,” or something to be controlled, I’ve realized the gift of being honest with myself about how I felt or experienced certain moments. When I looked back at those moments and was honest with myself about how I actually experienced them, I took time to feel the pain of that moment, and then I was able to move on without harboring bitterness or resentment in my heart. It’s actually quite freeing, and then I don’t have to drag that pain around in the vault that’s at the bottom of my heart’s little ocean for the rest of my life, because I gave myself permission to experience it and walk through it instead of shoving it to the side. Honestly, it’s worth it to be honest with yourself about your experiences.

We were created beautifully and intricately with every emotion on purpose; what would life look like and how would we experience things if we learned how to steward the full spectrum of emotions and give voice to our hearts?

The "In-Between"

The “In-Between” AKA transition...I know, we all just shuddered or got a mild case of hives at that word. No one really enjoys transition. I mean, new things can be exciting, but when all that you know is “up in the air” and the things that once felt stable have crumbled under your feet, free falling can be a bit scary to say the least. So what’s a girl (or guy) to do? I guess it depends on what kind of transition you’re in. For me, the key word has been “explore.”

I’ve just finished school, and I get to explore new options for jobs, housing, community...all of the things to which we often attach stability. But what happens when all of those things that have previously given us stability either slowly dissolve or disappear all at once? Sure, let’s go with the traditional, spiritual answers - the Lord is my anchor; the Lord is enough; trust in the Lord; the list goes on and on. While all of those statements are true, what happens when you know God is good, you have an intimate and active relationship with Him every day and yet, you’re still experiencing anxiety upon waking up every morning or feeling emotional pain as you break down every night in the shower? Come on, I know I’m not the only one.

Maybe it’s time to explore something else, which I believe is the gift of the in-between seasons. For me personally, my current exploration involves my heart. Here’s what I can liken it to:

Imagine you’re stuck in the middle of the ocean with no lifeboat, no raft, no life jacket, no person to keep you company - it’s just you and yourself. You learn to get really good at treading water, and at times when the burn kicks in, you float for a bit, hoping, praying someone will eventually find you. You may even try swimming in one direction hoping you’ll find land, but it always turns out the same - an endless ocean all around. Then one day someone comes along and allows you to latch on and be pulled by their little tug boat, which is great! Right?! Well, eventually that latch breaks and what felt like your rescuer or answer to prayer moves along, and there you are left treading water...again. Over time, the same pattern continues. Help seems to come and go and provide a bit of relief, but ultimately you realize, “Hey, I’ve been doing this for years. When the next ray of hope comes and goes, I'll cry for a minute, and then I’ll just keep treading, because that’s what I do. I’m strong, independent, and I just plow through the burn and pain.”

This is the picture I’ve gotten of my heart lately and, I don't know about ya'll, but it is totally exhausting! We can toss our hearts to sea, hope they can tread water, and when the burn kicks in we just keep on moving - just plow through; just be faithful; just keep serving; just keep trusting; believe for the best; keep a good attitude; do the responsible thing. Then someone or something eventually comes along that eases the pain or moments of drowning that gives us just enough strength to keep going. We pull our big girl or boy pants up and keep plowing, pushing, doing the everyday things that “have” to be done or are “responsible,” but all the while our hearts are actually just crying out for help, which can come in the form of emotional pain or anxiety. Ok, ok, calm down; some of you just got offended, because it sounded like I said being responsible in the daily things is bad or that trusting in the Lord isn’t enough, which is not what I’m saying at all. What I AM saying is maybe it’s time to take a closer look or listen a little more to what is really going on in our hearts alongside of trusting in the Lord, because ultimately, it is us who get to be the rescuer, caretaker, and steward of our hearts.

In this in-between, I’ve realized it’s a time for me to explore my heart and the things that I really enjoy, which is currently spending a lot of time outdoors (and being very picky on what and who I say “yes” to, which can sometimes be tough). Now, does that mean I should buy a kayak and name it the Pink Trailblazer even though I can’t afford it? Maybe. Does it seem super irresponsible? Possibly. Is it worth it? Totally! My heart will always be worth an investment, because when my heart is whole, I can wholly offer myself to the people around me.  I actually can’t afford to do things that either drain me or do not offer life right now, so I’m all-in for the exploration of things that do bring life in this season so that I can bring life to others. 
So in the in-bewteen, I will trust in and explore with the Lord the things of my heart while remembering His goodness, and experiencing His kindness, compassion, and provision.