Backslide

Why does walking away suck so much? I even have a hard time walking away from things I hate (story of my life). Whyyyyyyy? (Yes, the six extra Ys were necessary to stress the dramatic air of what I’m feeling right now.) The fact that it feels so hard actually annoys me at times. I’ve had jobs that I hated, and I still had a hard time firstly, in making the choice to walk away and secondly, in dealing with the feelings that came after walking away. Ok, there was this one time that it wasn’t hard at all. I had a temp job in catering in my early 20s, and on my last day, I literally threw my grossly worn out shoes in the trash, walked back to my car shoeless, said “Peace out!” and never looked back. I have witnesses. 

I’m sure we’ve all heard the saying, “If you love it, let it go” - sounds a little like BS, but sometimes it is necessary. But what is “it” in that quote? Does that mean we should let go of the thing we love and hope it returns one day? Possibly. Does that mean if we love one “it,” then we need to let another “it” go? Also a possibility. I have so many directions of where I want to go with this, but I think for now, I will choose familiarity. 

I recently started watching “New Girl” with my friend Jess (Yes, my friend and the main character have the same name, and I know I’m way behind in the game by just now starting to watch this show. Judge all you want though.) One of the first episodes I watched was entitled “Backslide,” and in this episode, two of the main characters were in positions to “backslide” into relationships with people they had previously broken up with (and for good reasons). What is hilarious is that this happens all too often and not just in relationships. We break up with someone, we walk away from a job opportunity, we move away from home, we try to start a new habit or way of living, and there it is - familiarity...pretending to be our friend, inviting us back into what we knew, into what felt safe, into what felt like home, into what felt like us. However, I have found that familiarity can be the biggest block in true connection, the worst player to have on your team when going after your dreams (or anything new/different), and while it may be the most loyal, it’s also the most dishonest “friend” when it comes to telling you who you are. I’m willing to bet someone is laughing and crying while reading this, because it’s laughable how true this is, but the pain of it is also very real. 

There are different reasons that call for the necessity of walking away from things. Sometimes we need to walk away from something because there is pain in it, and we need to take time to walk through that pain (for our sake and others involved). Sometimes we need to walk away because something is actually bad for us (physically, emotionally, mentally). Sometimes we walk away simply because there is a better option. Sometimes we walk away from something because we believe the Lord has asked us to. We can walk away from many things for many reasons, and as a very loyal person, walking away from anything is very difficult for me. Even when I’ve made the initial, tough choice to walk away, I later question it. Even when I’ve experienced health and freedom after walking away, I still question it. Even when I know it was in my best interest to walk away, yes, still with the questioning! Whyyyyyyy? (Ok, I just wanted to be annoying with the extra Ys that time.)

One of the “whys” is familiarity. It’s freaking scary to walk away from the people, things, and places we’ve known. What if I don’t find a better option? What if the thing I thought was better isn’t actually better? What if I get stranded or end up alone? What if I fall on my face and fail miserably? What if I blow it forever with that one relationship, that one job offer, that one place that I thought was home?  All very valid and real questions that can flood our minds when we choose to walk away from the familiar and enter into unknown territory. Will it be worth it? Maybe, maybe not. BUT, you won’t know until you try. 

In the grand scheme of things, I think it’s important for me personally to remember that I’m not that big or powerful. For someone who claims to believe in an all-knowing, all-reigning, all-powerful God, it would probably benefit me to realize that He’s big enough to meet me wherever I am whether I stay in the familiar place perfectly content, whether I walk away and then backslide, or whether I walk away from the familiar and venture into the unknown head on without looking back. The thing that has given me courage to push past the familiar (almost daily) is a phrase that someone told me a few months ago - “you’re not stepping out of something, but you’re stepping into something.” 

What if you weren’t walking away from something, but walking towards something? Let the adventure beyond the familiar begin!

#worthit

I Believe in You

“I believe in you.”

These are words that wrecked me in a coffee shop the other day - literally crying in the coffee shop. Oh yes, you’ll definitely get to hear this story as you read on. But before that, here’s the question for you: when is the last time you felt believed in? (Notice that I didn’t say you were believed in but felt believed in.)

I didn’t realize how important or needed this idea of being believed in was until now. Why do we need to be believed in? What does that even mean - to be believed in? Well, let’s start with the basics. (Warning: teacher/nerd alert.) When I looked up the etymology of the verb “believe” and the noun “belief,” here is what I found:

• “believe” comes from an Old English word meaning “‘to have faith or confidence’ (in a person) [or] perhaps literally ‘hold dear...to love.’”
• “belief” (around the 12th century) referred to “confidence reposed in a person or thing; faith in a religion.” (etymonline.com)

I think we typically associate the words “believe” or “belief” with religion and core values, and I mean, that makes sense, right? Our beliefs are often based on or shaped by that thing or being with which we believe in, hold dear, love or have confidence in. But what about when it comes to family, friends and community? I’m not saying our whole belief or faith should be in those things. Family, friends and community cannot replace my relationship, faith in, love for, or confidence in Jesus. What I AM saying is that I think it is necessary to know that someone has confidence in us, especially when we’re navigating through new waters in our lives. We may have confidence in the Lord, but at times we need to be reminded that we are capable of doing or exploring the things He has called us to, and that at times requires someone to believe in us, to have confidence in us, or to love us in order to ignite courage in our hearts.

Ok, here is what you really want to hear - the coffee shop story of me bursting into tears...and yes, people definitely saw me. Did I care? Not really. I’m sure it was quite the sight, and it makes for a good story, which is all that really matters. So I’m meeting with my friend, Sam, to talk about blog stuff. As we’re chatting about the blog, my process, creativity and all the things, we both pause for a moment, and then he asks, “What’s going on in your heart right now?” For some reason this caught me a little off guard, because even though something was stirring inside my heart and I could feel the tears beginning to form, I actually wasn’t sure what was going on in my heart at that moment. Before I could actually think about what was happening in my heart, my friend looks me straight in the eyes and says, “Melody, I believe in you.” And there they are. The ever faithful tears that begin to roll down my pinchable, freckled cheeks. I hid my face for a second and then looked up. And he said it again! “I believe in you.” I mean, really? How much do you actually want me to cry in public right now?

Here are a few things I realized as I drove home from this meeting...still crying and trying to figure out why it hit me so hard.

1. As someone who is usually the champion of others, I didn’t realize that I also needed to be championed.
2. While I know there are people who have championed me my whole life, there are times (for whatever reason) that it needs to be a specific person who champions you in a specific thing you’re pursuing.
3. It is one thing to feel believed in when you get it right; it’s an entirely different thing to feel believed in when you feel like you can’t get it right, when you’re failing or when you feel crazy.
4. There is a huge difference in feeling supported in the things at which we appear naturally good or that seem socially or culturally acceptable versus feeling believed in when you’re pursuing something that is in your heart but feels completely out of the box.

I think there are many who have felt believed in when they have gotten it right but on the flip side have also felt the disappointment of others (or even themselves) when they haven’t gotten it right, which attaches being “believed in” to what we do versus who we are - the perfect incubator for a performance-driven culture (internally and externally). This is a place where we can never measure up, because everything is dependent upon what we do instead of who we are, and someone will always be better at “doing” something than we are.

And here is what I have to say about that:

To the mom or dad who feels like they never got it right and live with regret - I believe in you.

To the creative artist pursuing their dreams but bussing tables - I believe in you.

To the newly divorced who feels like they failed at marriage - I believe in you.

To the visionary who feels out of place because they think and see everything differently - I believe in you.

To the one who never pursued anything for fear of failure or rejection - I believe in you.

To the one who is going after their dreams and either failing miserably or killing it - I believe in you.

To anyone who needs it, I believe in you...no, really. I believe in you. Seriously, I believe in you. YOU are worth believing in - not your choices, not your past, not your present circumstances, but YOU are worth believing in.

#worthit

"I Ain't Afraid of No Ghost"

First of all, please tell me the theme song from "Ghostbusters" just ran through your head! And maybe you're not afraid of ghosts, but I'm sure there's something - spiders, enclosed spaces, cats (especially hairless ones), the dark...I may not be able to vouch for all of those, but I can definitely vouch for being afraid of the dark. Did anyone else watch that show "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" and then have to sleep with their parents? No? Just me? Ok, moving on. 

I actually remember being terrified of the dark...and not just when I was little. I'm pretty sure I slept with a night light AND my baby blanket until I was 16 (and I still sleep with a “security” blanket at 31). There have also been times of sleeping on the couch (with almost every light in the house on) so I could see every entry point into my house. I wasn't paranoid AT ALL. Ok, maybe a little. But why was it so scary? Was it the strange house noises? Was it watching too many scary movies growing up (most of which my parents didn't know about)? The scary movies definitely played a part, but I think the main thing about it was the unknown. Even though everything in the house looks/stays the same whether the lights are on or off, there are still unknown aspects in the dark, which we can then create stories about until the lights are turned on to see the true reality of things. 

So let's dive into the real, real stuff. What keeps us from exploring the “dark,” unknown places of our hearts? They’re scary, right? Ok, maybe you’re one of those rare (weird) people that has never been afraid of the dark and unknown. But for the rest of us...ok, maybe I’m the rare, weird one that’s afraid of those things and everyone else is normal. Either way, I have some thoughts. 

For one, I think as a Christian (at some point and not because of bad intentions) there has been this idea that the heart is an evil thing full of, well, evil things. However, when we come to know Jesus, we’re new creations - EVERYTHING has been made completely new...like actually a whole other creation. And if that happens through Jesus, who is perfect, then our hearts can’t be evil, because there is no evil in Jesus (and yes, I understand that there are still things that we have to work through within our hearts; I’m not saying we’re perfect and will never make poor choices or anything like that). So there’s that mentality that the heart is evil and should be a thing to be controlled (or maybe locked away behind bars forever) instead of explored. 

Secondly, (maybe because of the above mentioned) I think one of the main reasons we don’t go to the dark, unknown places in our hearts is because they’re like the junk drawer in our homes. You KNOW the one I’m talking about. Everyone has one. It’s the one place in the house where you shove all the crap that you don’t want to deal with right away, but then you end up forgetting about it forever...at least until you move to another house or the drawer is overflowing. (Ok, insert nerd alert - I LOVE this analogy of the junk drawer; pretty sure Holy Spirit just gave that one to me.) The junk drawer holds all the things that you can’t be bothered with, but as you shove more crap inside, it becomes messier and messier until it explodes and you have to deal with it. 

I think we often do this with our hearts. Instead of regularly exploring or tending to them, we wait until they explode and we’re forced to deal with what is really going on, because the breakdown, the anxiety, the depression, etc. are just the cries for help from a messy heart that has had enough of the junk. Cleaning out the junk drawer of our hearts can be a painful place though, because mess is tough. It can be hard, scary, and sometimes shameful, but oh the beauty that is found in those messy places like treasure at the bottom of an ocean - dark and scary and yet never discovered without exploring with light. Light was never meant to expose mess for the sake of putting it on a shame display but to give sight to the treasure that can be found within it as we see it for what it is and navigate through it. 

I am finding that the key to exploring what can feel like the dark, scary and shameful places is exploring them with the light of compassion - compassion for ourselves, for our hearts, for our journey, for our past and present (which will hopefully release anticipation for our future). Shame cannot stand against compassion. Shame isolates and keeps us from the beauty and treasure, while compassion allows us to see the treasure within the mess and begin the cleaning up process in order to polish and display the treasure that was meant to be shared with others. 

So what is holding you back from exploring the deep waters of your heart? I guarantee that there is treasure in there. God isn’t scared of your mess; He is full of compassion; He is ready to explore those places with you and help you extend compassion to those places that have felt like an explosion of mess, shame or pain. It’s time to clean out the junk drawer. Who knows what good things you will find! I bet they’re better than any “bad” story you’ve made up in your mind regarding what’s in there, so why not shed some light on the mess to find the true, real treasure that lies beneath.

#worthit

The Moments of Crazy

What do you do in the moments of crazy? You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones where you say or do something to someone that you immediately regret; the moments where you punch your steering wheel because of the rage that all of a sudden came up within you; the times when you’re overcome with sadness or anxiety and you’re not even sure why, so you fight back the tears until you’re by yourself; the moments of insanity where you think, I could turn in my two weeks notice right now, or even just walk out of my job and be completely fine even though I have no backup; the times where you look at one of your besties and say, “We could totally run away today; it’s as good a day as any other - to the coast we go! Or a plane ticket to Thailand will also do.”

"To the coast we go!"

It’s in those moments of crazy that we can wonder, what the heck is wrong with me? And then we frantically begin to try and diagnose the root issue in order to “fix” ourselves. Google may or may not be your friend in this instance, especially if you do not want to become an emotional hypochondriac, but what’s the alternative? I envision something along the lines of being carried away in a fetal position to a place by the ocean that is "free from the stresses of life" in order to recover, and as much as I love the ocean, that just doesn’t sound appealing to me mostly because I love my peoples too much; however, there’s no shame in that for whoever may need it. We’re all in different chapters in our stories and need different things.

I recently listened to a podcast from "The Liberation Project," which by the way I would totally recommend to anyone, because even though it’s geared towards men, there is SO much to take away. (Be prepared to be offended and challenged at some point with the upside being gaining insight and healing #worthit.) Wow, that was a rabbit trail of a recommendation. Anyway, in their podcast entitled, “Stop Fixing Yourself,” one thing suggested was we can’t actually fix ourselves, because we’re wired to need others whether that be the Lord, family, friends, community etc. Just like God is a triune, interdependent being so are we, and God has treasures, gifts and breakthroughs that can only be found in Him and/or the people around us - we were created for community. While this is not the direction I’m going in (it’s more of an extra nugget; you’re welcome), it did get me thinking about this idea that we need to “fix” ourselves (insert melody from "Fix You" by Coldplay, which is a great song by the way and yet counteractive to this post).

I just don’t think God makes broken things. While we may have times of brokenness in our bodies, emotions, minds or spirits, I don’t think as a whole being we’re actually broken or some thrown away toy that needs to be fixed or refurbished. Maybe we’re actually just people experiencing life. I mean, don’t you hate when you’re sharing a part of your life and the person you’re sharing with somehow suggests that you need to be fixed, that you’re broken, that you’re not whole because things are hard, or you’re not happy, or overflowing with enthusiasm 100% of the time? Maybe that’s just me, or maybe I don’t want to be fixed. Maybe I just want to experience life and walk through every chapter (even the tough ones), and maybe that makes the easier chapters more precious and gift-like. My pain may not need to be fixed but experienced in order to move forward, and hopefully my experience can be shared with someone else who needs to experience their story instead of trying to fix it. I think we have many chapters in our stories, and luckily we have the best author ever to partner with in the writing process.

So what’s the point? What’s the solution? I’m not 100% sure. Maybe someone will not feel alone in their crazy. Maybe someone will be present in their moment of pain and be able to share that with someone else one day. Maybe someone will better appreciate the easier chapters in their story. Maybe someone will stop shaming themselves because they’ve felt like they needed to be fixed. Maybe someone will have permission to simply be and experience life. Whatever you walk away with, know that you’re not alone even when you’re by yourself. Know that there are many chapters yet to be experienced, and God already has a redemption plan for all of the hard ones.