Safety First

No, this isn’t an overview on any procedural safety tips. It’s my “real real” time to share my struggle and how Holy Spirit totally rocked me during retreat! Ps. This is a long one…enjoy, because I won’t apologize for writing too much :)

So my struggle, I think especially for the last few years, has been letting people “in.” I’m very personal, and it takes a long time for me to let people get to know me, and even when I do, very few people (if any) see the “real” me. You know what I’m talking about when I say real real – when you practically shout a song while you’re driving in the car, or when you sneak in the kitchen to eat a PB&J at 2:00 a.m. OR it could be more serious, like sharing when you’re really struggling or needing to cry; I think most of us tend to hide away in private instead of running to someone for a hug, but I don’t think that’s how God created us to be, no matter how introverted or unsocial our tendencies may be.

So I’ve realized more and more, along with this struggle to let others into my life, that I’ve had a really hard time worshiping, whether leading or simply being in corporate worship. What’s up with that?! I know I’m called to worship, so there’s obviously something going on.  And here’s how I found out what it was…

So here’s what happened at retreat:

Day 1 – get to Chico and finally make it to the hotel at the YWAM facilities after driving 30 minutes down the longest driveway EVER with a car full of awesome gals. Unload, unpack, wander down to the dining room for dinner, and see NO ONE that I actually know in any way. Hello comfort zone…exploding beyond my limits. So I sit with some random people I don’t know and actually meet them, and realize they’re actually nice and enjoyable…crazy huh? Next a little free time, and then off to service numero uno. Great worship, a few tears; no holy rolling or Holy Ghost crunches, but a good word about identity and some fun time jumping around dancing at the end, gaining a little more freedom and peace than I came with. 

Where's Melody? Oh, in front of Drew - the guy that looks like he's fixing to eat the camera...or me.

Holy Ghost dance party...yeah, that's called freedom; you want some?

Day 2 – rise and shine, breakfast at 8:30; revival group next – what could we possibly do for three hours of revival group time? WELL…we make  a “riverbed” of ourselves –  no we’re not crazy, just hungry for more of the Lord and doing whatever it takes to receive all He has to give – and let His river flow over us; ok, definitely received some more peace, but still missing something and definitely needing something more from the Lord. Three hours of resting and worship goes by pretty quick actually. Lunch, then a few hours of free time. The whole herd practically took the same hike to one of the falls, which was actually really nice and refreshing…and only like a 10 minute walk on a flat trail (WAY better than the last “hike”).  Some good fellowship, dinner, and now it’s time for service numero dos – and I’m ready to get more than what I did last night. Worship goes by, still having some trouble entering in. Crystal, our amazing speaker (I think that was her name) gets up there and just brings it! On the topic of “identity” which flowed from the night before from our great speaker, Carl, the point came up that “we love, because He (Jesus) first loved us” (I John 4:14). If we’re not loving Him or don’t really feel like we love Jesus, then we need to get in His presence so we can receive His love, because we can’t love unless we LET Him love us, and we can’t do that unless we actually spend time with Him. Don’t worry, He thinks you’re awesome;  so you can be yourself around Him. Soooo, being the crier that I am, of course the tears come during “altar” time, so I just let them instead of worrying about the mascara. Then after awhile I just felt lighter and free. Now it’s time for the fire tunnel…of course! I’m expecting, because I want what everyone else is getting! First time through the tunnel. Ok, no heebie jeebies or goose bumps…then I say to myself, “I’m not leaving until I get more, so second round of fire tunnel, here I come!” Now I’m standing in line with the “crazy” people that are already falling all over the place and have been rolling around, but you know, they have what I don’t, and it looks pretty good. Then out of the fire tunnel I come full of so much freedom, laughter… and the “knee bends” – who knows what I’m talking about? Haha

I’ll tell you this – I have never been freer in my entire life! I reached that point where I didn’t care about what someone else thought, or what I had even thought, and I was in a “SAFE” place to be completely ME.  How many of us can say that we are completely able to be ourselves all the time…with family, friends, new acquaintances, etc.?

So here’s what I felt the Lord shed some light on for me: when we can’t be transparent with others, especially those we’re close to like family and friends, and when we can’t truly be ourselves (the us that God has created us to be) we slowly begin dying inside (emotionally, spiritually), and then we’re just going throughout our day to day activities being who we think others think we should be, living without purpose aside from a daily checklist.  So where does that come from? At what point do we stop being ourselves and start being someone we think we should be? Concerning people close to us, people that “know” us, I think familiarity can play a big role. Familiarity is so unhealthy and so doesn’t honor anyone. Familiarity says “since we live together, or since we “know” each other, I can criticize you about this thing you do that irritates the mess out of me.” 

And a few things happen from that: 

• You expect that thing to change and it does, only because that person didn’t want to get blasted by you again, or you expect that thing to change and it doesn’t, because you didn’t really approach that person in love, which of course irritates you more. 
• In the case of the person being blasted – they get mad and ignore you for blasting them, or they do what you said for the sake of avoiding more criticism, allowing the shut-down process and performance-based mindset to begin.

Because who wants to be themselves when they don’t have a safe place to be received by the people closest to them? Who wants to be themselves when everything they do is “wrong” or “annoying” or is approached with criticism instead of love and honor? So that’s familiarity. 

Here’s honor. Honor says, “I release you to be the person God has created you to be. I release you to share your dreams, goals, ambitions, downfalls and silliness with me without criticism or judgment. I open up a SAFE place to you in my company so you can be free to be YOU. You know why? Because you’re amazing! I mean, you were created in God’s image.” 

When we’re free to be who God has called us to be, we’re released from performance-based mindsets (feeling like we have to perform or act differently from our "normal" selves to gain the love/approval of others), and we’re free to share our awesomeness with new people and let them in - risk letting them think you’re silly; if they do, it probably just means they haven’t been free to be themselves either.

So last night Holy Spirit totally created a SAFE place for me to be ME; total freedom, total peace, and total release to be ME – releasing me from all fear and all performance-based mindsets in relationships or worship, which also released me from criticizing/judging others.  So I release that to each of you, that you are free to be truly YOU (around others and in the presence of our Papa), and that you create SAFE places for others, removing familiarity and replacing it with honor, so that others can be free to be who God has created them to be, releasing their awesomeness and His glory.