Permission to Grieve

Just a few of the people and moments in my story

Well, this is my first post since the dust has settled: graduation has come and gone, mom has visited and headed back home, friends that I've done life with over the last year have traveled back home (many of which are halfway across the world), and my to-do list now mainly consists of work. So what now? I actually found myself tearing up at this question: So what now? Isn't it funny how you work so hard for something or are in a certain season in your life and when the season ends or you reach your goal, you don't really know what to do, so you ask yourself, "So what now?" I believe that this question is actually meant to instill hope and expectancy and the following has been my experience over the last several months.

Now, I give my heart permission to grieve and mourn the end of an amazing season in my life - the close of a beautiful chapter in my story and history with the Lord that introduced many new characters, scenes, conflicts and triumphs.

Over the last several months, I've realized the importance of grieving, and I think the main thing that comes to mind when I think about grieving or mourning is the loss of a loved one, but the Lord has shown me the importance of this process even in seemingly small things in my life. This concept was highlighted to me after my first ministry trip to OC. I had an amazing time, found a part of myself I didn't know was in me, created new friends and family, discovered God in new ways, and to top it all off, my trip leader prayed and prophesied over me for the last two hours of our trip back, to which of course I cried...the whole two hours. After all that you would think all was good. Well, by the time I got home, unpacked, showered and got ready for bed, I was feeling pretty good...but then my head hit the pillow and the ugly cry commenced. Oh yeah, you know what I'm talking about.


I actually went through this pattern and process with all three of my trips this year - two to OC and one to LA. This became an invitation to explore my heart with the Lord. I realized that while all these trips were amazing, my heart had to mourn the fact that they were all just moments in my life and now they were gone. This has become a bit of a theme this year, as I feel like the Lord also showed me this at the end of 2016.

I don't know about you, but January through March are always hard months for me, and this year while I was thinking about it, I feel like the Holy Spirit said, "Your heart is mourning the end of a year." I mean think about it - a whole year of
your life has come and gone! I've noticed that I get a little sad and sometimes even depressed after New Year's, and this year I realized why, so I took time to journal about all the ups and downs of 2016, gave my heart permission to be sad and acknowledge that that time in my life had ended. I realize this sounds a bit gloomy, but it gets better. I also realized that remembrance was the next step in my process. So after taking time to remember all that happened in 2016, I said goodbye and then welcomed 2017. This gave a whole new meaning to me when I thought about the memory stones the Israelites set up or when Paul the apostle often said he thanked the Lord when he remembered the people he had met and done life with during his missionary journeys (while writing to them during his imprisonment), or why we take communion. Throughout the Bible we see the importance of remembering the hardships and the joys in life, and most importantly the goodness and presence of God in every one of those moments and seasons.


I feel like remembrance is how we steward grief; why in the world would we want to steward grief? Well, I think when I don't, it easily turns into depression and hopelessness. But the key of remembering these times is doing it with God. He sees things differently than we do, so while we are honest with ourselves about being sad and mourning the loss, we have to do it hand-in-hand with Daddy God and ask Him to show us where He was in each moment and ask Him to let us see it the way that He does, so we don't get stuck in the mourning process, regret, or living in the past.

So we're honest about the pain and joy, we remember the good and not so good, and then we entrust all of those things and our hearts into God's hands and move on to the best part - dreaming with God for the next season. Once I can acknowledge what was and entrust it to God, then I can hope for what's to come. It's always a balancing act with Him isn't it? Mourning the past, enjoying the present, hoping for the future...

So what now? Now I will take time over the next few weeks and even months to grieve and remember all that has come (and gone) with this school year - life, friends, family, growth, discovery, God moments, tough moments - and realize the gift that it has been to my heart and soul. And then I will move on and ask God and myself, "So what now?" And another journey of exploration, partnership, and dreaming with the Lord will begin.