The "In-Between"

The “In-Between” AKA transition...I know, we all just shuddered or got a mild case of hives at that word. No one really enjoys transition. I mean, new things can be exciting, but when all that you know is “up in the air” and the things that once felt stable have crumbled under your feet, free falling can be a bit scary to say the least. So what’s a girl (or guy) to do? I guess it depends on what kind of transition you’re in. For me, the key word has been “explore.”

I’ve just finished school, and I get to explore new options for jobs, housing, community...all of the things to which we often attach stability. But what happens when all of those things that have previously given us stability either slowly dissolve or disappear all at once? Sure, let’s go with the traditional, spiritual answers - the Lord is my anchor; the Lord is enough; trust in the Lord; the list goes on and on. While all of those statements are true, what happens when you know God is good, you have an intimate and active relationship with Him every day and yet, you’re still experiencing anxiety upon waking up every morning or feeling emotional pain as you break down every night in the shower? Come on, I know I’m not the only one.

Maybe it’s time to explore something else, which I believe is the gift of the in-between seasons. For me personally, my current exploration involves my heart. Here’s what I can liken it to:

Imagine you’re stuck in the middle of the ocean with no lifeboat, no raft, no life jacket, no person to keep you company - it’s just you and yourself. You learn to get really good at treading water, and at times when the burn kicks in, you float for a bit, hoping, praying someone will eventually find you. You may even try swimming in one direction hoping you’ll find land, but it always turns out the same - an endless ocean all around. Then one day someone comes along and allows you to latch on and be pulled by their little tug boat, which is great! Right?! Well, eventually that latch breaks and what felt like your rescuer or answer to prayer moves along, and there you are left treading water...again. Over time, the same pattern continues. Help seems to come and go and provide a bit of relief, but ultimately you realize, “Hey, I’ve been doing this for years. When the next ray of hope comes and goes, I'll cry for a minute, and then I’ll just keep treading, because that’s what I do. I’m strong, independent, and I just plow through the burn and pain.”

This is the picture I’ve gotten of my heart lately and, I don't know about ya'll, but it is totally exhausting! We can toss our hearts to sea, hope they can tread water, and when the burn kicks in we just keep on moving - just plow through; just be faithful; just keep serving; just keep trusting; believe for the best; keep a good attitude; do the responsible thing. Then someone or something eventually comes along that eases the pain or moments of drowning that gives us just enough strength to keep going. We pull our big girl or boy pants up and keep plowing, pushing, doing the everyday things that “have” to be done or are “responsible,” but all the while our hearts are actually just crying out for help, which can come in the form of emotional pain or anxiety. Ok, ok, calm down; some of you just got offended, because it sounded like I said being responsible in the daily things is bad or that trusting in the Lord isn’t enough, which is not what I’m saying at all. What I AM saying is maybe it’s time to take a closer look or listen a little more to what is really going on in our hearts alongside of trusting in the Lord, because ultimately, it is us who get to be the rescuer, caretaker, and steward of our hearts.

In this in-between, I’ve realized it’s a time for me to explore my heart and the things that I really enjoy, which is currently spending a lot of time outdoors (and being very picky on what and who I say “yes” to, which can sometimes be tough). Now, does that mean I should buy a kayak and name it the Pink Trailblazer even though I can’t afford it? Maybe. Does it seem super irresponsible? Possibly. Is it worth it? Totally! My heart will always be worth an investment, because when my heart is whole, I can wholly offer myself to the people around me.  I actually can’t afford to do things that either drain me or do not offer life right now, so I’m all-in for the exploration of things that do bring life in this season so that I can bring life to others. 
So in the in-bewteen, I will trust in and explore with the Lord the things of my heart while remembering His goodness, and experiencing His kindness, compassion, and provision.