Honestly Honest

Honestly honest. What does that even mean? I’m really not sure, it just sounded catchy. However, I’m realizing the value of being honest with myself. When I was younger, I remember getting mad very easily, and in a recent conversation with my sister, we laughed at how angry and mean I would get when my sisters wouldn’t let me play with them (the pitfall of being the youngest sibling).  On one of those occasions, I apparently destroyed their newly constructed Barbie house like I was Godzilla. While it’s funny now, when I look back at things like that, I realize it was just a reaction to pain - the all too familiar pain of rejection. I would venture to say that many of us have experienced that very pain throughout our lifetimes whether it was with siblings, other family members, peers, romantic relationships, leaders, coworkers, etc. It just seems to be part of life that we internalize as “normal” and keep moving on with our lives.

In what we deem “normal” - rejection, pain, fear, all the feels and emotions - or "everyday" things that are bound to happen sooner or later, I’ve experienced (at some point or another) all of the following reactions that we can have: as seen in little Godzilla Melody at the age of five or six, we react in anger out of pain, which usually ends up hurting others; we spiral into the black hole of depression; or we go to the complete opposite end of the spectrum and push the hurt and pain down, lock it away in a vault and toss it to the bottom of the ocean of our hearts and tell ourselves, “This is just part of life; everything’s going to be ok; take it one day at a time, have a good attitude, and just keep moving on.” Oh, the detriment I’m now finding from the years of hearing or telling this to myself.

Ok, ok, hear me out. I’m not saying that we can’t encourage ourselves with statements that help us get through each day, because, let’s be real, sometimes we’re the only ones that can encourage ourselves not because others aren’t around, but we’re the ones who talk to ourselves the most. Oh, you know you talk to yourself. Don’t deny it. It’s fine. It's not weird at all - I do it ALL the time. BUT our self-talk can make or break us at times, so sometimes we tell ourselves what we have to in order to survive and get through the day, week, month, etc. However, I’m finding that in tandem with encouraging myself, I also HAVE to be honest with myself about how I experienced things. Along with the “Hey, you’re going to be ok,” I have to include, “Hey, that really sucked! That actually hurt a lot and the pain of rejection is very real in this moment.”

Over the years, for the sake of not wanting to sound weak, ungrateful, unfaithful, or unchristian-like, I’ve left out the, “That REALLY sucked!” part and just told myself, “You’ll get through this; just get over it, because that’s life,” but what I really ended up doing through that was take away the voice and permission of my heart to feel and experience the full spectrum of emotions that we were created with, which I have also found can only last for so long before an emotional breakdown ending in the fetal position is bound to happen. Yes, I can vouch for this from personal experience on more than one occasion, and if you ever hear me tell the stories in person, I’ll laugh the whole time now, because I imagine it as a dramatic movie scene and then realize how dramatic I really am. It’s not to downplay the pain of those situations, but it’s great to be able to laugh at yourself even in tough times.

So what’s the point, Melody? Come on, get to it already! Alright, alright, alright (said in a Matthew Mcconaughey voice - you're welcome). After three weeks of breaking down daily and looking back over my life seeing this pattern of shutting down the negative emotions because they’re “bad,” “ungodly,” or something to be controlled, I’ve realized the gift of being honest with myself about how I felt or experienced certain moments. When I looked back at those moments and was honest with myself about how I actually experienced them, I took time to feel the pain of that moment, and then I was able to move on without harboring bitterness or resentment in my heart. It’s actually quite freeing, and then I don’t have to drag that pain around in the vault that’s at the bottom of my heart’s little ocean for the rest of my life, because I gave myself permission to experience it and walk through it instead of shoving it to the side. Honestly, it’s worth it to be honest with yourself about your experiences.

We were created beautifully and intricately with every emotion on purpose; what would life look like and how would we experience things if we learned how to steward the full spectrum of emotions and give voice to our hearts?

The "In-Between"

The “In-Between” AKA transition...I know, we all just shuddered or got a mild case of hives at that word. No one really enjoys transition. I mean, new things can be exciting, but when all that you know is “up in the air” and the things that once felt stable have crumbled under your feet, free falling can be a bit scary to say the least. So what’s a girl (or guy) to do? I guess it depends on what kind of transition you’re in. For me, the key word has been “explore.”

I’ve just finished school, and I get to explore new options for jobs, housing, community...all of the things to which we often attach stability. But what happens when all of those things that have previously given us stability either slowly dissolve or disappear all at once? Sure, let’s go with the traditional, spiritual answers - the Lord is my anchor; the Lord is enough; trust in the Lord; the list goes on and on. While all of those statements are true, what happens when you know God is good, you have an intimate and active relationship with Him every day and yet, you’re still experiencing anxiety upon waking up every morning or feeling emotional pain as you break down every night in the shower? Come on, I know I’m not the only one.

Maybe it’s time to explore something else, which I believe is the gift of the in-between seasons. For me personally, my current exploration involves my heart. Here’s what I can liken it to:

Imagine you’re stuck in the middle of the ocean with no lifeboat, no raft, no life jacket, no person to keep you company - it’s just you and yourself. You learn to get really good at treading water, and at times when the burn kicks in, you float for a bit, hoping, praying someone will eventually find you. You may even try swimming in one direction hoping you’ll find land, but it always turns out the same - an endless ocean all around. Then one day someone comes along and allows you to latch on and be pulled by their little tug boat, which is great! Right?! Well, eventually that latch breaks and what felt like your rescuer or answer to prayer moves along, and there you are left treading water...again. Over time, the same pattern continues. Help seems to come and go and provide a bit of relief, but ultimately you realize, “Hey, I’ve been doing this for years. When the next ray of hope comes and goes, I'll cry for a minute, and then I’ll just keep treading, because that’s what I do. I’m strong, independent, and I just plow through the burn and pain.”

This is the picture I’ve gotten of my heart lately and, I don't know about ya'll, but it is totally exhausting! We can toss our hearts to sea, hope they can tread water, and when the burn kicks in we just keep on moving - just plow through; just be faithful; just keep serving; just keep trusting; believe for the best; keep a good attitude; do the responsible thing. Then someone or something eventually comes along that eases the pain or moments of drowning that gives us just enough strength to keep going. We pull our big girl or boy pants up and keep plowing, pushing, doing the everyday things that “have” to be done or are “responsible,” but all the while our hearts are actually just crying out for help, which can come in the form of emotional pain or anxiety. Ok, ok, calm down; some of you just got offended, because it sounded like I said being responsible in the daily things is bad or that trusting in the Lord isn’t enough, which is not what I’m saying at all. What I AM saying is maybe it’s time to take a closer look or listen a little more to what is really going on in our hearts alongside of trusting in the Lord, because ultimately, it is us who get to be the rescuer, caretaker, and steward of our hearts.

In this in-between, I’ve realized it’s a time for me to explore my heart and the things that I really enjoy, which is currently spending a lot of time outdoors (and being very picky on what and who I say “yes” to, which can sometimes be tough). Now, does that mean I should buy a kayak and name it the Pink Trailblazer even though I can’t afford it? Maybe. Does it seem super irresponsible? Possibly. Is it worth it? Totally! My heart will always be worth an investment, because when my heart is whole, I can wholly offer myself to the people around me.  I actually can’t afford to do things that either drain me or do not offer life right now, so I’m all-in for the exploration of things that do bring life in this season so that I can bring life to others. 
So in the in-bewteen, I will trust in and explore with the Lord the things of my heart while remembering His goodness, and experiencing His kindness, compassion, and provision.

Redeeming the Dock

Redeeming the dock...what the heck does that even mean? Well, you would have to know the story behind it first. When you think of a dock, you probably think of water, boats, a stopping point or resting place. Recently, I've had an ongoing encounter with the Lord where we're standing on a dock that's actually rather long and stretches a ways out from the shore. We stood hand-in-hand as I watched a boat sail away. The boat can represent different things, but for me it mostly represents a voyage. While someone or something else may actually be on the boat, the voyage or journey for us still on the shore is in the process of waiting for it's return.

I think there are many times in life where we feel like we're standing at the end of the dock watching someone or something dear to us drift away into the ocean (carrying a piece of our heart with it) until we can't even see it, and yet we still stand at the edge of the dock watching, waiting, hoping...maybe it'll come back. And after awhile we think...maybe it won't. There's always that possibility isn't there? Letting go of something you're holding tightly to - a dream, a family member, a promise, a word - always carries the risk of not coming back to you once you let it go, and sometimes the dock can be disappointing; the waiting can be tough. But I'm discovering that who you're waiting with can make all the difference.

The Lord keeps bringing me back to the picture of this dock and each time there's another part to the story. When I encounter the Father I'm always a little girl around the age of five, full of life, joy, freedom...all of the things He sees when He looks at me, and I've actually never had a disappointing moment with Him during those times. But this time was different. I stood with Daddy God at the end of this dock, I had a stuffed bunny in one hand and I took His hand with the other and slowly turned to walk away from the end of the dock back towards the shore. Even though I was holding His hand and everything is always ok when I'm with Him, I walked away with my head hung low, dragging my bunny behind me, and I realized that it was ok for me to be with Him and still be disappointed.

Up until this point the dock had been a place that was tough because it meant saying goodbye, but there was also the expectancy that there would soon be a hello; however, after days of waiting (and even longer for some) the dock can turn into a waiting place of disappointment, sadness, and grief, and I feel like there are a lot of people who have watched the boat sail away with disappointment but still had a glimmer of hope, and now the glimmer has disappeared with the boat. I know, super gloomy, but you should know by now that I don't typically write unless there's a turning point...there's always a turning point to a good story, or at least that's how I prefer them.

So tonight as I was sitting with the Lord, He brought this picture of the dock back to me and added to the story. My five-year-old self walks out on this dock of disappointment and sits down at the end dangling my feet above the water, and I'm holding on to a small treasure chest about the size of a music box. The Father comes and sits down beside me and asks me what's inside, and I tell Him it's all that I have to offer. He takes it, opens it up, and shows me the things inside that I didn't even know were in there. He looks at them with a smile and I know that He treasures them more than I do. The previously disappointed five-year-old dragging the stuffed bunny behind her now looked into her Dad's face and then peered over the side of the small treasure box with the biggest smile ever. This me - the me that is a daughter of the King, that's such a kid and totally free, that rests in the arms of a good Dad - trusts Him completely. We sat at the end of the dock dangling our feet over the water; He held my treasure box, and we watched the stars pop out from hiding as the sun began to set. And in that moment I felt like the Holy Spirit said, "I'm redeeming the dock."

There are things that many of you have been waiting for and the waiting has been tough and disappointing, but the things that you've watched leave that dock and lost hope for their return mean more to Him than they do to you, and your most cherished items in your treasure box mean more to Him than they do to you. So for those who have walked away from the dock dragging your bunny behind you with head hung low and a disappointed heart, He's redeeming the dock and He wants you to wait with Him again with hope, anticipation and expectancy of what will return when the sun rises tomorrow. He's the best person to wait with...start hoping again as He returns to you the joy of trusting Him like a kid - His kid.

You're Just Emotional

I'm willing to bet that someone read the title of this and immediately got offended. Calm down; it's not what you think. Well, maybe it is, but hear me out. Have you ever had someone say, "Oh, you're just being emotional," or "Stop being so emotional," or "Why are you so sensitive"? I'm sure there are many of us who have had a friend, family member, co-worker or leader say this to you at some point, but I'd just like to say I GIVE YOU FULL PERMISSION TO BE EMOTIONAL.

We are emotional beings, because God is an emotional being. Everything God creates reveals an aspect of His nature. Each one of us was uniquely created to express an aspect of the Lord that no one else can express. So if we have emotions, then so does God. I'm not saying that God is swayed or led by emotions or that every emotion we experience is "of the Lord" but he does have and experience them, as do we. Otherwise, we would just be flipping robots and that's not how God created us. He wanted a people He could have relationship with, a people that would partner with Him to release His nature and kingdom over the earth and part of that nature has to do with emotions. 

I'd like to share one of the activities we did this week at BCA (Bethel Conservatory of the Arts), which is where I'm completing my third-year internship. While I'm not actually attending the school, as an intern for one of the founders, I do get to participate in some of the classes and activities, which is a huge blessing, because I've already experienced the freedom in it. Anyway, back to the activity. We're in a room with almost everyone, about 30-ish people including students, interns, and staff, and one of our leaders sits in a chair and makes every single person take a turn walking from where they're sitting to the middle of the room, stand and face him, and tell him 1. our name 2. who we are and 3. what we love about ourselves. Some of you just totally freaked out about the idea of having to do that. I did too...at least a little, but there was so much transparency and safety in the room, it was one of the easiest things I've ever done.  

My turn came, and I immediately winced and walked to the middle of the room. "Go back and do it again," my mentor said. My "walk" wasn't fully present and with confidence, so if he feels we're not bringing all of ourselves, we get the lovely opportunity to do it over. So I go back, walk to the middle of the room like I actually know and like myself, stare him in the eyes and tell him, "I'm Melody Dawn Henderson" (ya'll, that is breakthrough in itself, because I've never liked my middle name - sorry Dad, but thanks for naming me anyway), "I am a daughter of a good Daddy (God)" and "I feel deeply, which means I love deeply and I also hurt deeply, but I'm ok with that, because I get to experience the heart of Father God for people." A few tears started to come, but I had already cried for everyone else in the room that by this point there wasn't much left. 

I've never had so much freedom with being ok with myself than in that moment. I had been told over the years that I was too emotional, or that I was just being emotional, or to stop being emotional and that things weren't a big deal or that we shouldn't be emotional because as a Christian I shouldn't be led by emotions, but I've learned that there is a HUGE difference between being emotional and being led by emotions, and it's time that we stop telling others and believing about ourselves that having emotions is bad...that is one of the biggest lies I've encountered throughout my life, which has actually caused me to shut down over the years and not share myself with people around me, because if I can't share or show my emotions, then what can I share of myself that will be "acceptable"?

I realized this week (and really over this last year) that it's totally fine for me to "be emotional" - that's how we were created; we experience, display and share the emotional heart of God (some more than others). And while it's perfectly fine to show emotions, there is also the balance to not be led or taken over by them. Our emotions are real, and we're meant to feel them, because they're a clue as to what's going on inside of us, but it's important to recognize them and then declare THE TRUTH of Jesus and the Word over them, because even though they're real, they're not always true. For example, maybe you feel really anxious. Take a minute to recognize it, and then let anxiety know that "the peace of God passes all understanding." Maybe you're feeling super sad or even depressed. You can acknowledge that, and then tell your heart, "hey, we belong to a kingdom of light and this has no power over me." Sometimes "negative" feelings are also a clue to things in our life. We can start to feel these things because we're stressed or we're not making time for our needs, so we need to take time to do that, and other times it's spiritual. Emotions are just an invitation to journey further and deeper with Jesus. Maybe you are easily excitable and experience a lot of joy and excitement over things and someone has told you to tone it down or calm down. You can recognize that there's something in that person that is offended, and that's actually their problem, but you're going choose to realize this aspect about you that God has placed in you and be totally ok with, because God gets super excited about His kids and their lives, so you're actually just displaying that part of God's heart. 

Be ok with who you are and the way you experience and express emotions, but also decide to go on a journey with Holy Spirit about how to manage your emotions by speaking Truth over them without shutting them down. Everything is held in tension and it's all a balancing act, but it's time to start having fun and enjoying it as an exploration with the Lord instead of feeling condemned and ashamed about who we are and how we're made. Give yourself to permission to be you.

In the wise words of Dr. Seuss, "Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You." 

So today decide to just be you, and be ok with all of you.

Dreaming with God

Walt Disney...now THAT was a man who got it. He understood the gift of imagination, the importance of looking to the future while working in the present, and the necessity of childlikeness while still growing old.

I had the opportunity to go to Disneyland for the first time in April, and while we trucked it all over the park for ten straight hours from morning 'til night, people watched, laughed, smelled smells, rode rides, stood in ridiculously long lines, ate overpriced foods, tasted sweet candies, and debated in the gift store for far too long on which mug to add to my collection, I can say that the best part was feeling like I was a kid again. We saved the best ride for last - It's a Small World, of course the classic - and when I stepped out of the ride and walked up the stairs, there she was, a Disney princess riding on top of a float covered in lights that lit up the streets of Disneyland under the night sky. My little 30-year-old heart was five again and full of wonder and awe.

Imagine, a man that dared to dream big dreams, and years after his death his legacy still lives on, and we get to experience them in more ways than one; his dreams weren't just for him but for the world to share in, and they were tangible enough for others to catch hold of and invest in. What if we dared to dream dreams like that?! While I may not be as much of a visionary as Walt, here's what I've began dreaming about with God and how it ties into the next step in my journey.

A dream that's kind of been on my heart but that I've always pushed aside because it seemed too unrealistic, or irrational, or even irresponsible, or "not of God" is to support and encourage people in the performing arts/entertainment industry. I love to coach and counsel people and see them completely free and confident in who the Lord created them to be, which has been part of my own journey with the Lord. My hope is to see performers and entertainers trained up and sent out knowing their identity in Christ and having good, solid community/support so they can have a strong foundation and character that will withstand the waves and wind that may toss them to and fro on their journey.

I've learned that when I start dreaming with God and trusting Him with my dreams, I begin to see all the puzzle pieces start coming together. I've seen how He has brought this dream to the forefront of my mind over the last several months, given me a heart for L.A. and Hollywood (which I never thought I would like, but these are the places that I think of when I think about the entertainment industry), and brought people into my path that are already running with this same dream, which brings me to the next step in my journey:

I have the privilege of doing a third-year internship here at BSSM under Fabiano Altamura. I will begin my internship with Fab at Bethel Conservatory of the Arts (BCA) in August. 

BCA is a school that trains professional performers - actors, dancers, musical theatre performers - and as an intern in this environment, part of my role will be to encourage and support the students at the school. Basically, I'm at the starting point of my dream of encouraging and supporting performers in the entertainment industry. What?! Seriously, God? It's just funny to see how God works in all the little details, and while I'm sure this is just the beginning, I'm excited to see what's to come.

Still in the early stages, this will actually be BCA's first year with students, so it will be a new, pioneering experiencing, and I'm excited to see what God does in and through it. My mentor has a father's heart and loves to challenge and draw out the best in people. While I'm a bit nervous about that very thing, I'm also excited to be under his leadership and guidance and see what all God draws out of me during this internship. Sometimes it takes a different environment that is beyond our comfort zone to draw out what is really inside of us. I thought I was going to be a worship leader since that's all I've known or been known for, and while that may still be something I do during my lifetime, I believe God has many more things planned, and He's showing me that there's more to me and my heart than what I've known up to this point in time.

So for those who have been wondering what the next step is for me...this is it. That being said, I know many also ask about how they can support or help me. I will still have tuition to pay, as with the previous years in school, but thankfully it is much less. My total tuition is $800 and my deposit has already been paid thanks to friends and family! (You know who you are, and I'm so grateful for your love and faithfulness!) So if you'd like to sow into this season in my life, my dreams, and my future, this is a good way to start. With just $700 to go, you can help me knock this tuition out by clicking on the link below:

https://my.bssm.net/donations/students/search

• Once at the website, type my name (Melody Henderson) in the search bar
• Click search
• Make sure my name and information appears
• Click on "tuition"
• Continue giving from there by filling in your info

If you'd like to give extra, you can also donate towards my "travel fund" from the same link (above) as there will be some travel opportunities with leaders/mentors throughout the year like my OC trips during this past year. If you have any extra questions feel free to message me on FB or by email: m.d.henderson8@gmail.com

Thank you so much for all your prayer, love and support! My people rock!

PS. If you'd like to know more about BCA, it's leaders, and what I get to be a part of this upcoming year, you can check it out here! https://www.bethelconservatory.com

Permission to Grieve

Just a few of the people and moments in my story

Well, this is my first post since the dust has settled: graduation has come and gone, mom has visited and headed back home, friends that I've done life with over the last year have traveled back home (many of which are halfway across the world), and my to-do list now mainly consists of work. So what now? I actually found myself tearing up at this question: So what now? Isn't it funny how you work so hard for something or are in a certain season in your life and when the season ends or you reach your goal, you don't really know what to do, so you ask yourself, "So what now?" I believe that this question is actually meant to instill hope and expectancy and the following has been my experience over the last several months.

Now, I give my heart permission to grieve and mourn the end of an amazing season in my life - the close of a beautiful chapter in my story and history with the Lord that introduced many new characters, scenes, conflicts and triumphs.

Over the last several months, I've realized the importance of grieving, and I think the main thing that comes to mind when I think about grieving or mourning is the loss of a loved one, but the Lord has shown me the importance of this process even in seemingly small things in my life. This concept was highlighted to me after my first ministry trip to OC. I had an amazing time, found a part of myself I didn't know was in me, created new friends and family, discovered God in new ways, and to top it all off, my trip leader prayed and prophesied over me for the last two hours of our trip back, to which of course I cried...the whole two hours. After all that you would think all was good. Well, by the time I got home, unpacked, showered and got ready for bed, I was feeling pretty good...but then my head hit the pillow and the ugly cry commenced. Oh yeah, you know what I'm talking about.


I actually went through this pattern and process with all three of my trips this year - two to OC and one to LA. This became an invitation to explore my heart with the Lord. I realized that while all these trips were amazing, my heart had to mourn the fact that they were all just moments in my life and now they were gone. This has become a bit of a theme this year, as I feel like the Lord also showed me this at the end of 2016.

I don't know about you, but January through March are always hard months for me, and this year while I was thinking about it, I feel like the Holy Spirit said, "Your heart is mourning the end of a year." I mean think about it - a whole year of
your life has come and gone! I've noticed that I get a little sad and sometimes even depressed after New Year's, and this year I realized why, so I took time to journal about all the ups and downs of 2016, gave my heart permission to be sad and acknowledge that that time in my life had ended. I realize this sounds a bit gloomy, but it gets better. I also realized that remembrance was the next step in my process. So after taking time to remember all that happened in 2016, I said goodbye and then welcomed 2017. This gave a whole new meaning to me when I thought about the memory stones the Israelites set up or when Paul the apostle often said he thanked the Lord when he remembered the people he had met and done life with during his missionary journeys (while writing to them during his imprisonment), or why we take communion. Throughout the Bible we see the importance of remembering the hardships and the joys in life, and most importantly the goodness and presence of God in every one of those moments and seasons.


I feel like remembrance is how we steward grief; why in the world would we want to steward grief? Well, I think when I don't, it easily turns into depression and hopelessness. But the key of remembering these times is doing it with God. He sees things differently than we do, so while we are honest with ourselves about being sad and mourning the loss, we have to do it hand-in-hand with Daddy God and ask Him to show us where He was in each moment and ask Him to let us see it the way that He does, so we don't get stuck in the mourning process, regret, or living in the past.

So we're honest about the pain and joy, we remember the good and not so good, and then we entrust all of those things and our hearts into God's hands and move on to the best part - dreaming with God for the next season. Once I can acknowledge what was and entrust it to God, then I can hope for what's to come. It's always a balancing act with Him isn't it? Mourning the past, enjoying the present, hoping for the future...

So what now? Now I will take time over the next few weeks and even months to grieve and remember all that has come (and gone) with this school year - life, friends, family, growth, discovery, God moments, tough moments - and realize the gift that it has been to my heart and soul. And then I will move on and ask God and myself, "So what now?" And another journey of exploration, partnership, and dreaming with the Lord will begin. 

Permission to Dream

Dreaming, hoping, wishing, desiring - all are things that can be scary. What if it doesn't happen? What if my hopes comes crashing down? What if my dreams come to an abrupt halt? I don't know if I can handle the disappointment, so instead of dreaming, hoping, wishing, desiring, I'll just put those things on a shelf to guard my heart.

Yikes! That's a scary conversation to have with yourself...or anyone else for that matter. I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but I've definitely had this underlying thought that I'll guard my heart and manage my hopes and dreams in the name of wisdom and stewardship, but in reality what I've done is put my heart in a closet, locked it up and put the key in a hiding place that I can't remember. And the scary part is not the possibility of disappointment; the scary part is that you've shut down a part of your heart that God created, which ultimately means, "Hey God, I don't actually trust you with this thing in my heart because it could be painful, or I'm not sure if it's of you - maybe it's too 'worldly' - so I'm just gonna take that out of your control and hold onto it, because I clearly know what's best for my heart more than You." Now THAT is a scary thought - us trusting ourselves more than we trust the One who made us and knows everything about us (even those things we don't know about ourselves).

So what now? Well, here is my experience over the last couple of months and the beginning of a heart journey with Holy Spirit.

In March, I had the opportunity to go back to OC for a ministry trip and was able to reconnect with some of the same beautiful people that I met on my first OC trip in November. While I was loving my time reconnecting and meeting new people, I had the worst attitude...I know, me have an attitude? Go figure. (Those who know me are rolling their eyes right now.) Anyway, I came so alive on my first trip to OC that I was expecting something similar for this trip even though I knew it would be different because we had a different team, and I trusted the Lord had new things in store, but over the last couple of months, I found the liveliness that I experienced on the first trip had slowly begun to dissipate. What is happening, Lord? Why am I not excited about anything? What is going on in my heart? All good questions but meaningless if you don't wait on the Lord to hear the answers...or if you don't want to hear the answers and actually apply them.

On the second day of the trip we had an ice breaker game (Don't you just love those?) where we chose a number and then were asked a question that lined up with the number. My question was, "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" Insert eye roll and bad attitude. I hate this question. Who thinks that far ahead? So my leader reworded the question: "If you could do anything and there were no objects in the way, what would you want to be doing in ten years?" Hmmmm. That's a little different. That kind of feels like a dreaming question. I answered the question and then held it in my heart for the rest of the trip. The next day or so we had a Bible study where the topic was "Dreaming with God," which was interesting, because we had recently read the book Dreaming with God by Bill Johnson for homework. I think there's a theme here. Ok, cutting to the chase. I ended up having a beautiful conversation with my friend Mary, and she told me, "Melody, the devil has perverted the phrase, 'I can be content anywhere,' by allowing it to masquerade as wisdom, but it's actually taken away permission from your heart to dream." BOOM - MIC DROP.


This explosion of revelation went off in my mind and heart when she said that. I realized that over the last few years I had told myself that I can be content anywhere, which is really true, but I had abused that phrase to keep my emotional heart and dreams at bay, because they didn't feel realistic or responsible, or maybe because I just felt like it was just my thoughts or "of the world." But the truth is, I won't actually know if these dreams and hopes are from the Lord unless I take time to explore them with Him and choose to trust, whether they're from Him or not, that He will redirect me if necessary, and that He will actually work all things out for my good. He always has our best in store, and when we partner with Him in journeys of discovery, I believe we'll find out things we never knew about Him or ourselves, and we may even be surprised in the best way possible.

Journal doodles for your enjoyment - you're welcome.

All that to say, will you ask Holy Spirit to guide you on the journey of discovery into the deep things of your heart (and His) and trust that He'll help you balance stewardship over the things that are currently in your life and allow you to stay present while also searching out the hopes and dreams He's deposited in you for your good and the good of others? Will you trust Him with the possibility of disappointment? Will you trust Him with the possibility of your dreams actually becoming a reality? Will you trust that He'll redirect you if needed? Will you choose to believe He's trustworthy and that He cares about the small things in your heart that you've shelved for years? Will you trust that He's a better driver than you are in this journey of life? Will you give your heart permission to dream with God and believe that the keys to those deep things of your heart are better off in His hands than hidden away on a shelf?