Unapologetic

Have you ever been around those people who constantly apologize...for nothing? Or maybe you are that person. I both know that person and have been that person. But what are you actually apologizing for? I’m not talking about those moments where we screw up, drop the ball or cause a mess - those are moments that, of course, require some ownership and an apology. I’m talking about those things we apologize for because, along the line somewhere, someone or something made you think that what you do, what you say or who you are isn’t acceptable or enough. I’m sure there’s a line that can be crossed with this, and we have to hold everything in tension throughout our lives in this great balancing act; however, I’m going to assume you know where that line is (for now) and talk for a bit about being unapologetic for who you are and those things that you know you’re suppose to pursue in life. 

I feel like I’ve personally experienced this a lot over the last year and have also had this conversation quite a bit with others - some older, some younger, and some the same age as I am, so I know this runs across the board. 

I was having a conversation recently with a friend who, like me, is in their early 30s, and he was basically asking if I ever felt pressured to pursue a “normal” life - you know, the one with the house, the dog, the career, the family...all that jazz - or to have that 5-year plan laid out. And I responded that I have definitely felt that at some point, but when I looked back over my life, I realize that it wasn’t necessarily pressure that I felt, but shame. I had been measuring what my life looks like by what I thought other people or society thinks it should look like. The funny thing about that is it is often the story that we’ve created in our own heads that puts that measuring stick there. We assume we know what people think and then place that stick so high over our heads that we can never measure up instead of actually taking time to explore our lives and what we really want them to look like. 

I was sitting in a park the other day, you know, just chilling by myself on a blanket while journaling, and as I was writing, I realized I still felt shame about the particular season I’m in right now. I believe the Lord has told me it’s a season to “play,” which, as an adult, feels a bit irresponsible (even though I’ve had several people - some who know me, and some who don’t - confirm this season for me). And the funny (or not so funny) thing is, I have so many people who love and support me in this, who agree that this is what the Lord has said, and who are championing me in this, and yet, I still have moments where I realize I feel shame about my season. What’s that about? I’m sure no one else ever deals with this…

So while I was sitting in the park...by myself...crying…(I’m just going to give you a moment to envision this and laugh a little), I took a moment to repent for shaming myself, and I apologized to the Lord for measuring my season - the season He said I was in; the season He planned for me - by what I think it should look like. He said “It’s time to play,” and that doesn’t mean I have to create some end goal or purpose in it. I just have to listen to and remind myself of what He said until He says something new.

I don’t know about you, but I’m so over that shame game. It’s not fun, it doesn’t benefit anyone, and it is definitely not from the Lord. I am finding the freedom in unapologetically being present in my current season in life. I am finding the freedom in being unapologetically me. I am finding the freedom in unapologetically pursuing the current dreams inside of me. And I’m realizing that even though I have people in my corner, there may be times that I stand alone in this, and that will also be ok, because Jesus never apologized for pursuing the things the Father set before Him, and if He is our ultimate example, we get to do the same.

For those who are playing that shame game, I give you permission to unapologetically be yourself, to pursue your dreams, and to be present in your season. I give you permission to NOT justify your “why” or what the Lord has called you to. We sometimes have to pursue the things that are deep within us at the risk of being misunderstood, at the risk of losing connection, and at the risk of standing alone, but I believe that when you are unapologetically true to yourself that it will be worth it.

Ripple Effects

Lately, there has been a lot of talk about transition.  Transition in most cases is good. Many times it involves stepping out of old mindsets and into new ones.  Transition usually brings growth. Transition is good. Transition is hard. Even when I know that I am doing something beneficial, stepping out into the unknown is usually scary. My greatest insecurities are triggered while I find a new normal.   

One of the things that we don’t talk about is the ripple effect of transition. I have both caused and felt this ripple. Most of the time, my decisions don’t just affect me. If I lived in a bubble, they might, but alas, I don’t. Seemingly innocuous decisions can still affect those around us. .  Then there are the bigger decisions of transition. When I made the decision to move to northern California for ministry school, my decision had a rather large ripple effect. My employer had to find someone to replace me, my mom had to find a new place to live, and my friends had to adjust to me living 1,500 miles away. Unfortunately, not all of my relationships survived the ripples. All of that is part of the transition.

What about when someone else’s transition affects you?  

Two weeks ago, my California best friend moved ten hours away.  To say I miss her is an understatement of epic proportions. That’s real. That’s raw. I support her with every fiber of my being. I actually agree with her decision. I probably knew she was going to leave before she did. I’ve always had a “sense” about these things; however, it doesn’t change the fact that it sucks. Before she left, she was staying with me for a couple of weeks.  Then we had the fire and evacuation, and everything has felt chaotic since.

We have walked through a lot of the transition together. We talk pretty regularly and know what is going on in each other’s lives, but here’s the thing: while she is creating a new normal in a new city, I am also having to create a new normal here. We went from seeing each other regularly to not at all. I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that she isn’t just going to walk through my front door. I still invite her to dinner parties even though she is hundreds of miles away, because I just can’t not invite her. Yes, my heart is sad that I don’t have my bestie around to go get coffee with whenever, but at the same time, I celebrate her and the risks she is taking to live her best life.

 

So how do we deal with the ripple effect?  How do we navigate our own new normals while still trying to be supportive of the new normals that caused the ripples? I think the most important part of it is being honest with ourselves and with them. Mel knows I miss her like crazy.  I don’t tell her that to guilt her. She also knows I support her and celebrate her, but I am honest with her. Part of me DOES wish she was still here…sitting on my couch watching a movie and eating chocolate chip cookies.  However, a bigger part of me wants to see her fly and to see her thrive. I want her to live her best life even when that life is hours away from where I am. So here we are finding our new normals together. Now our normals look like FaceTime dates and celebrating each other from afar.  It looks like planning trips to meet halfway to spend a weekend together. It looks like crying at 3:00 a.m. when I can’t sleep again and I’m missing her. That part will get easier as the normals become, well, normal. But there won’t be a point where I don’t miss her. She’s my framily (yes, framily), my birthday buddy, my sister. She’s the one who basically got me through the second year of ministry school, has championed me, yelled at me and fed me when I was too tired (or broke) to feed myself.  That is a friendship that distance cannot touch. We are intentional and find ways to make it work and celebrate each other.

Sometimes the ripples feel like waves that are going to overwhelm and drown, but I guess in the end, we will just learn how to ride those waves to find new adventure. We still have years worth of memories to make with each other.  And seeing someone I love so much chase her dreams and begin to fly to new heights is the reason I can be okay with the ripples. Seeing my best friend thrive just makes it all #worthit.

-Tabitha Smith

New Normals

So what comes after the in-between, after the transition? It’s what I consider the best and worst part - finding a new “normal.” Have you ever found yourself in that place of, “What in the world do I do now?” Of course you have; you’re human. This can be both scary as hell and also super exciting. What I’m finding interesting and a bit hilarious is the very things that make it feel scary are the same things that make it an exciting adventure.

New normals. These come after the in-between. While they can be scary, they are also full of possibilities. Of course it’s scary to leave the familiar routine of what you’ve known. We get use to our routines. We have them for EVERYTHING. We create morning routines. We have them for getting to and from work. We have them for the week days. We have weekend routines. We have church or religious routines. We even have them in relationships. And I’m not bashing on routines. I LOVE them! But sometimes the routine that worked in one chapter of our lives doesn’t work for another. Sometimes they’re great and sometimes they’re not. For example: a routine of brushing your teeth regularly is a great thing to have. Otherwise, you will probably experience one of my biggest fears: all of your teeth falling out. Come on. You know you’ve at least had that thought even if it wasn’t a full on fear. I have even had dreams, well, nightmares about this. (I literally just shuddered at the thought.) Ok, so in cases like that, routines are great! What about in things like relationships? Sure. Some extent of routine can be great, because, and I’ll give all the guys out there a tip: women like security. You’re welcome. BUT, there is also this other side of things where you don’t want to fall into a routine that allows you to settle and prevents you from exploring.

Either way, there are times in life that require us to create new normals. I have recently found myself in such a place. Being in limbo for the last two months has had it’s pros and cons. I’ve just finished ministry school and have found myself in this place of dissatisfaction with certain routines. Some of them were due to patterns I’ve had my whole life, and some of them were due to the season I was in.  Upon ending school, I took the first two months to rest, recover and explore. While they were great, there was also a part of me that felt suspended in mid air - not necessarily falling, but not moving anywhere either. There are definitely times where we need those transitional seasons of rest, but personally, I can only “hang out” for so long before going crazy! Needless to say, I felt like I hit my limit and found myself at the crossroads of having to make decisions that would require new normals.

As I took some time to talk to myself...yes, to talk to myself...about how I was really feeling about these decisions, I realized I was just scared of the idea of creating new normals. I previously touched on leaving the familiar and how that can feel scary, but there is a step beyond that. After initially moving away from the familiar, the next step is creating a new normal. While that first step feels more scary than exciting, the next step of creating a new normal is more exciting than scary. THIS is where the exploration and adventure really begins.

Explore & Discover

I have recently found myself in a new city with new people (and a couple not-so-new) and new possibilities, but I also found myself freaking out a bit. What the heck am I doing? How do I start over? What does life look like here? I’m done with school…oh my gosh, I have to get back to adulting full time now! I experienced all of the thoughts that come in those freak-out moments where you realize you’re starting over. And I finally realized one of the main reasons was that I still felt like I was in that in-between place of one chapter ending and another beginning. So I had a choice to make. (Side note: I am very much an “all in” type person. That one foot in the door and one foot out business doesn’t work for me.) These are the moments you wish the audible voice from heaven will show up and tell you what to do with your life…you know, because then you wouldn’t feel so responsible and adult-like, but that’s not how God typically works, or at least that hasn’t been my experience; however, I usually have this sense of what I am going to do next or what the next step is for me, but not this time. So as I’m in a totally new place for the first time in my life, I’m realizing the Lord is just waiting for me to make a decision so He can meet me in it.

As I took some time to get over the scariness of making (what felt like) a big decision, the scariness of starting over, and the scariness of creating new normals, I finally decided to stay in this new city, invest, and be all-in. Welcome to adulting 2.0 - life after the familiar; life starting over; life after school; life outside of the routine; life outside of the norm. It may be one of the scariest places to be, but it is also the place of exploration and adventure where anything can happen. Why not just go for it?

So what are you waiting for? Where are you waiting to make some decisions because they feel scary? Where do you know you need new normals in your life? Why are you hanging out in the in-between when you have a new and beautiful chapter to start writing in your life? This is the time of great exploration and adventure, and whatever excuse you’re creating in your head to keep you from it…well, just stop it and dive in!

Earning the Ugly Cry

There are many things in life that will earn your ugly cry - some deservingly and some undeservingly, nevertheless, it will be earned. Yes, ugly cries have to be earned. An ugly cry is not something you just give away like a hug; plus that would probably be weird if you walked up to someone and started to ugly cry. (Awkward, right?) But on a serious note, there have been many things that have earned my ugly cry over this last year and season, but the most recent is the devastation from the Carr fire in Redding (and the surrounding towns/areas) - the place I’ve come to know as my city and home over the last two years.

Monday a week ago, a friend and I were heading to the lake like any other summer day for kayaking adventures that we had actually been postponing for about three weeks. We made our way to Whiskeytown Lake where locals and tourists alike spend long summer days on the water and the evenings sitting around campfires. We pulled into Oak Bottom boat marina (one of my usual spots) to unload our kayaks and then paddled off for a day of adventures. We talked, laughed, dreamed, and explored for hours. As we realized that being in the sun for three hours without sunscreen was probably going to have a not so pleasant effect on our skin, we started to head back to the marina.

As we’re getting close, a fellow kayaker points out a stack of white smoke that’s beginning to rise into the air behind us just a short distance away. We pause for a minute on the water, say a prayer for the area and the firefighters that have begun to head that way, and continue paddling back. Two planes were already circling the area, then one…two…three fire rescue trucks go by in the distance. We never would have thought in that moment that just three days later chaos and panic would ensue, black smoke clouds would cover the skies with an orange glowing backlight, mandatory evacuations would have people grabbing priceless belongings they could fit in their vehicles to find safer grounds, and the usually smooth-flowing freeway would be covered in a sea of red brake lights as one-third of our city evacuated not knowing if their homes would still be standing when they returned.

For some in our city, their return wasn’t as bad as the story they had created in their heads; for others, it was much worse. Many are able to continue with life as “normal” (as possible) while others have been completely displaced returning to the devastation of their homes and neighborhoods being completely destroyed, and for some even worse - the loss of a family member.

With my personal soundtrack of sad music playing (Yes, I am dramatic.), I drove around the city I’ve discovered, adventured, known and loved trying to get a glimpse of the places I frequent knowing they’re not the same places they were before, and I experienced both grief and gratitude - grief at the bare hills with vague, charred, stick-figure silhouettes that use to be hills covered with full trees, shrubs and wildlife; grief at the neighborhoods I use to drive through to get to the river trail now leveled to the ground; grief at the loss that our town is experiencing; grief for those that have lost the most precious gifts of all: lives of loved ones; then gratitude kicks in for the firefighters and service workers (both locally, state and nation-wide) that have been putting their lives at risk and working tirelessly through days and nights to protect our city; gratitude for the thousands of people that have been praying all over the world for us; gratitude for the way our community has and is continuing to come together to love, support and take care of it’s own, because even if one didn’t personally suffer loss, the pain and loss of a community is always experienced as a whole.

Needless to say, THIS has earned my ugly cry and much deservingly so. The beauty of a community coming together in the midst of destruction, the beauty of people all over the world taking time to pray, post, volunteer, and donate, the beauty of humanity at it’s finest in a time of loss and need...THIS is what deserved my ugly cry (probably not helped by the sad soundtrack) as I drove around this place I’ve known and loved for the last two years.

Redding, you are beautiful; you are full of amazing people; you will be stronger on the other side; you are loved; and YOU have earned my ugly cry.

Thank you to everyone who is investing in our community in whatever capacity that may be. If you’re wondering if what you’re doing matters, the answer is yes, no matter how small or large your investment may seem. THANK YOU!

For anyone interested in donating to our city and the Carr fire victims, here are just a few sites through which you can donate:

Carr Fire Fund through Tri-Counties Bank

Shasta Regional Community Foundation

United Way of NorCal

California Fire Foundation

Here are a few of my fave pics floating around social media: #carrfire

This is the iconic Sundial Bridge that you cannot miss if you drive through our town. Literally anyone will know it if they have come to Redding for any occasion or amount of time. This lovely thing sits in Turtle Bay beside the Civic Center bridging either side of the Sacramento River and is outlined by river trails. While the background may be in flames in the top portion of this photo, I know it will be back to it's beautiful self in the future.




Signs like this one to the right outline our entire town. You can see them in neighborhoods, on random street corners around town, and even lining the overpasses driving down I-5. THIS fills my heart seeing the community share it's gratitude, love and support. While this may seem like a small thing, to me, it's humanity coming together to share in grief and gratitude. 




Ok, this one below of the firefighters taking a nap gets me EVERY time. These are our people. These are those risking their lives. These are the ones working through exhaustion to save our area. These are the ones taking brief naps on the ground away from their families to build up some semblance of energy to keep going indefinitely. Thank you!

Hope and promise - this time will not last forever. Rebuilding has begun and while things may look bad, unity, community and hope is rising. I cannot wait to see this city and county on the other side!

Backslide

Why does walking away suck so much? I even have a hard time walking away from things I hate (story of my life). Whyyyyyyy? (Yes, the six extra Ys were necessary to stress the dramatic air of what I’m feeling right now.) The fact that it feels so hard actually annoys me at times. I’ve had jobs that I hated, and I still had a hard time firstly, in making the choice to walk away and secondly, in dealing with the feelings that came after walking away. Ok, there was this one time that it wasn’t hard at all. I had a temp job in catering in my early 20s, and on my last day, I literally threw my grossly worn out shoes in the trash, walked back to my car shoeless, said “Peace out!” and never looked back. I have witnesses. 

I’m sure we’ve all heard the saying, “If you love it, let it go” - sounds a little like BS, but sometimes it is necessary. But what is “it” in that quote? Does that mean we should let go of the thing we love and hope it returns one day? Possibly. Does that mean if we love one “it,” then we need to let another “it” go? Also a possibility. I have so many directions of where I want to go with this, but I think for now, I will choose familiarity. 

I recently started watching “New Girl” with my friend Jess (Yes, my friend and the main character have the same name, and I know I’m way behind in the game by just now starting to watch this show. Judge all you want though.) One of the first episodes I watched was entitled “Backslide,” and in this episode, two of the main characters were in positions to “backslide” into relationships with people they had previously broken up with (and for good reasons). What is hilarious is that this happens all too often and not just in relationships. We break up with someone, we walk away from a job opportunity, we move away from home, we try to start a new habit or way of living, and there it is - familiarity...pretending to be our friend, inviting us back into what we knew, into what felt safe, into what felt like home, into what felt like us. However, I have found that familiarity can be the biggest block in true connection, the worst player to have on your team when going after your dreams (or anything new/different), and while it may be the most loyal, it’s also the most dishonest “friend” when it comes to telling you who you are. I’m willing to bet someone is laughing and crying while reading this, because it’s laughable how true this is, but the pain of it is also very real. 

There are different reasons that call for the necessity of walking away from things. Sometimes we need to walk away from something because there is pain in it, and we need to take time to walk through that pain (for our sake and others involved). Sometimes we need to walk away because something is actually bad for us (physically, emotionally, mentally). Sometimes we walk away simply because there is a better option. Sometimes we walk away from something because we believe the Lord has asked us to. We can walk away from many things for many reasons, and as a very loyal person, walking away from anything is very difficult for me. Even when I’ve made the initial, tough choice to walk away, I later question it. Even when I’ve experienced health and freedom after walking away, I still question it. Even when I know it was in my best interest to walk away, yes, still with the questioning! Whyyyyyyy? (Ok, I just wanted to be annoying with the extra Ys that time.)

One of the “whys” is familiarity. It’s freaking scary to walk away from the people, things, and places we’ve known. What if I don’t find a better option? What if the thing I thought was better isn’t actually better? What if I get stranded or end up alone? What if I fall on my face and fail miserably? What if I blow it forever with that one relationship, that one job offer, that one place that I thought was home?  All very valid and real questions that can flood our minds when we choose to walk away from the familiar and enter into unknown territory. Will it be worth it? Maybe, maybe not. BUT, you won’t know until you try. 

In the grand scheme of things, I think it’s important for me personally to remember that I’m not that big or powerful. For someone who claims to believe in an all-knowing, all-reigning, all-powerful God, it would probably benefit me to realize that He’s big enough to meet me wherever I am whether I stay in the familiar place perfectly content, whether I walk away and then backslide, or whether I walk away from the familiar and venture into the unknown head on without looking back. The thing that has given me courage to push past the familiar (almost daily) is a phrase that someone told me a few months ago - “you’re not stepping out of something, but you’re stepping into something.” 

What if you weren’t walking away from something, but walking towards something? Let the adventure beyond the familiar begin!

#worthit

I Believe in You

“I believe in you.”

These are words that wrecked me in a coffee shop the other day - literally crying in the coffee shop. Oh yes, you’ll definitely get to hear this story as you read on. But before that, here’s the question for you: when is the last time you felt believed in? (Notice that I didn’t say you were believed in but felt believed in.)

I didn’t realize how important or needed this idea of being believed in was until now. Why do we need to be believed in? What does that even mean - to be believed in? Well, let’s start with the basics. (Warning: teacher/nerd alert.) When I looked up the etymology of the verb “believe” and the noun “belief,” here is what I found:

• “believe” comes from an Old English word meaning “‘to have faith or confidence’ (in a person) [or] perhaps literally ‘hold dear...to love.’”
• “belief” (around the 12th century) referred to “confidence reposed in a person or thing; faith in a religion.” (etymonline.com)

I think we typically associate the words “believe” or “belief” with religion and core values, and I mean, that makes sense, right? Our beliefs are often based on or shaped by that thing or being with which we believe in, hold dear, love or have confidence in. But what about when it comes to family, friends and community? I’m not saying our whole belief or faith should be in those things. Family, friends and community cannot replace my relationship, faith in, love for, or confidence in Jesus. What I AM saying is that I think it is necessary to know that someone has confidence in us, especially when we’re navigating through new waters in our lives. We may have confidence in the Lord, but at times we need to be reminded that we are capable of doing or exploring the things He has called us to, and that at times requires someone to believe in us, to have confidence in us, or to love us in order to ignite courage in our hearts.

Ok, here is what you really want to hear - the coffee shop story of me bursting into tears...and yes, people definitely saw me. Did I care? Not really. I’m sure it was quite the sight, and it makes for a good story, which is all that really matters. So I’m meeting with my friend, Sam, to talk about blog stuff. As we’re chatting about the blog, my process, creativity and all the things, we both pause for a moment, and then he asks, “What’s going on in your heart right now?” For some reason this caught me a little off guard, because even though something was stirring inside my heart and I could feel the tears beginning to form, I actually wasn’t sure what was going on in my heart at that moment. Before I could actually think about what was happening in my heart, my friend looks me straight in the eyes and says, “Melody, I believe in you.” And there they are. The ever faithful tears that begin to roll down my pinchable, freckled cheeks. I hid my face for a second and then looked up. And he said it again! “I believe in you.” I mean, really? How much do you actually want me to cry in public right now?

Here are a few things I realized as I drove home from this meeting...still crying and trying to figure out why it hit me so hard.

1. As someone who is usually the champion of others, I didn’t realize that I also needed to be championed.
2. While I know there are people who have championed me my whole life, there are times (for whatever reason) that it needs to be a specific person who champions you in a specific thing you’re pursuing.
3. It is one thing to feel believed in when you get it right; it’s an entirely different thing to feel believed in when you feel like you can’t get it right, when you’re failing or when you feel crazy.
4. There is a huge difference in feeling supported in the things at which we appear naturally good or that seem socially or culturally acceptable versus feeling believed in when you’re pursuing something that is in your heart but feels completely out of the box.

I think there are many who have felt believed in when they have gotten it right but on the flip side have also felt the disappointment of others (or even themselves) when they haven’t gotten it right, which attaches being “believed in” to what we do versus who we are - the perfect incubator for a performance-driven culture (internally and externally). This is a place where we can never measure up, because everything is dependent upon what we do instead of who we are, and someone will always be better at “doing” something than we are.

And here is what I have to say about that:

To the mom or dad who feels like they never got it right and live with regret - I believe in you.

To the creative artist pursuing their dreams but bussing tables - I believe in you.

To the newly divorced who feels like they failed at marriage - I believe in you.

To the visionary who feels out of place because they think and see everything differently - I believe in you.

To the one who never pursued anything for fear of failure or rejection - I believe in you.

To the one who is going after their dreams and either failing miserably or killing it - I believe in you.

To anyone who needs it, I believe in you...no, really. I believe in you. Seriously, I believe in you. YOU are worth believing in - not your choices, not your past, not your present circumstances, but YOU are worth believing in.

#worthit

"I Ain't Afraid of No Ghost"

First of all, please tell me the theme song from "Ghostbusters" just ran through your head! And maybe you're not afraid of ghosts, but I'm sure there's something - spiders, enclosed spaces, cats (especially hairless ones), the dark...I may not be able to vouch for all of those, but I can definitely vouch for being afraid of the dark. Did anyone else watch that show "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" and then have to sleep with their parents? No? Just me? Ok, moving on. 

I actually remember being terrified of the dark...and not just when I was little. I'm pretty sure I slept with a night light AND my baby blanket until I was 16 (and I still sleep with a “security” blanket at 31). There have also been times of sleeping on the couch (with almost every light in the house on) so I could see every entry point into my house. I wasn't paranoid AT ALL. Ok, maybe a little. But why was it so scary? Was it the strange house noises? Was it watching too many scary movies growing up (most of which my parents didn't know about)? The scary movies definitely played a part, but I think the main thing about it was the unknown. Even though everything in the house looks/stays the same whether the lights are on or off, there are still unknown aspects in the dark, which we can then create stories about until the lights are turned on to see the true reality of things. 

So let's dive into the real, real stuff. What keeps us from exploring the “dark,” unknown places of our hearts? They’re scary, right? Ok, maybe you’re one of those rare (weird) people that has never been afraid of the dark and unknown. But for the rest of us...ok, maybe I’m the rare, weird one that’s afraid of those things and everyone else is normal. Either way, I have some thoughts. 

For one, I think as a Christian (at some point and not because of bad intentions) there has been this idea that the heart is an evil thing full of, well, evil things. However, when we come to know Jesus, we’re new creations - EVERYTHING has been made completely new...like actually a whole other creation. And if that happens through Jesus, who is perfect, then our hearts can’t be evil, because there is no evil in Jesus (and yes, I understand that there are still things that we have to work through within our hearts; I’m not saying we’re perfect and will never make poor choices or anything like that). So there’s that mentality that the heart is evil and should be a thing to be controlled (or maybe locked away behind bars forever) instead of explored. 

Secondly, (maybe because of the above mentioned) I think one of the main reasons we don’t go to the dark, unknown places in our hearts is because they’re like the junk drawer in our homes. You KNOW the one I’m talking about. Everyone has one. It’s the one place in the house where you shove all the crap that you don’t want to deal with right away, but then you end up forgetting about it forever...at least until you move to another house or the drawer is overflowing. (Ok, insert nerd alert - I LOVE this analogy of the junk drawer; pretty sure Holy Spirit just gave that one to me.) The junk drawer holds all the things that you can’t be bothered with, but as you shove more crap inside, it becomes messier and messier until it explodes and you have to deal with it. 

I think we often do this with our hearts. Instead of regularly exploring or tending to them, we wait until they explode and we’re forced to deal with what is really going on, because the breakdown, the anxiety, the depression, etc. are just the cries for help from a messy heart that has had enough of the junk. Cleaning out the junk drawer of our hearts can be a painful place though, because mess is tough. It can be hard, scary, and sometimes shameful, but oh the beauty that is found in those messy places like treasure at the bottom of an ocean - dark and scary and yet never discovered without exploring with light. Light was never meant to expose mess for the sake of putting it on a shame display but to give sight to the treasure that can be found within it as we see it for what it is and navigate through it. 

I am finding that the key to exploring what can feel like the dark, scary and shameful places is exploring them with the light of compassion - compassion for ourselves, for our hearts, for our journey, for our past and present (which will hopefully release anticipation for our future). Shame cannot stand against compassion. Shame isolates and keeps us from the beauty and treasure, while compassion allows us to see the treasure within the mess and begin the cleaning up process in order to polish and display the treasure that was meant to be shared with others. 

So what is holding you back from exploring the deep waters of your heart? I guarantee that there is treasure in there. God isn’t scared of your mess; He is full of compassion; He is ready to explore those places with you and help you extend compassion to those places that have felt like an explosion of mess, shame or pain. It’s time to clean out the junk drawer. Who knows what good things you will find! I bet they’re better than any “bad” story you’ve made up in your mind regarding what’s in there, so why not shed some light on the mess to find the true, real treasure that lies beneath.

#worthit