DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, DO THIS

I stared at my computer screen trying desperately to find the correct format for my screenplay. When I clicked on the second page of my Google search, I realized it was serious. I couldn’t believe it! It was a simple question, and one that I knew the answer to in grade 10 but couldn’t remember now. I double checked what I had typed into the search bar to make sure it was the right question.There was no answer to my question. Instead of answers, I found links to people’s opinions on why I should not, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, do what I wanted with my screenplay. Despite the unhelpful opinions, I decided to read the articles anyway hoping they would somehow provide the format I was looking for, but instead, I read over and over people’s opinions on why my idea was the worst thing I could ever use for my screenplay. Then I read this:

“The only time this has been successful is for the few movies like Shawshank Redemption, Forrest Gump, etc.”

I read the list in disbelief. These people were literally saying, “Don’t do this. It never works...except for some of the most successful movies of all time. It worked for them, but it’s probably not going to work for you, so don’t even try.” Instead of feeling defeated, I closed Google, opened my screenplay and figured out the format myself. I was not going to let a couple of strangers’ fears that I would make a mistake keep me from using my idea.

 As a kid, no one can tell you that you’re not creative. You believe it with every ounce of your little body. You graffiti everything from the walls to tables to the paper you were originally supposed to draw on. Yet, somewhere along the line, we let people’s opinions shape what our creativity looks like.

The people that wrote the screenplays for Shawshank Redemption and Forrest Gump didn’t listen to the popular opinion that their idea wasn’t going to work. They didn’t let popular opinion sway them from their creative instincts. They didn’t let popular opinion frame their creative thinking and writing. Instead, they pushed forward and were met with success. I’m not saying that every time you take a risk or go against the status quo you’re going to be met with success - you may just be met with failure, but what you do with that failure will determine your success in the future, and it will also redefine what “success” is in your life.  

Do not give up on your dreams; do not give up on your ideas. Be authentic; be creative! And do not, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, let strangers’ opinions determine whether or not you take a risk. Trust God’s voice in your life, trust the community in your life, trust your own creative self, and HAVE FUN.

-Emilie Bartel

Wait, Whaaaat?

What do you do when things don’t look like you thought? No, really. I’m asking you what you actually do. Ok, well since this is my blog, I guess I’ll tell you what I do...or at least what I’m learning. I don’t know if we ever actually “arrive” with stuff like this - it’s a lifelong process that changes with each situation, but I have found that each situation is an invitation into exploration with ourselves, those around us, and the Lord. 

I have found it funny...well, maybe interesting is a better word...that when the Lord tells us something, especially in a time of transition, we tend to come up with an idea of what that will look like.

Example:

God: This transition will be a gift to you. It will be a time of adventure that you remember forever.

Me: Oh, yes! This is going to be SO easy and lots of fun. Def what I need after the last season.

God: (silently laughs to Himself)

Reality of the situation - one of the toughest transitions of my life

Me: Wait, whaaaaaat?! Are you kidding me, God?! This is not what you said!

Me (4 months later): Ok, it wasn’t easy, and there was a lot of pain and processing, BUT You were right - it was a time that I will forever remember...I discovered and learned about myself and Your nature - definitely a gift that I will hold dearly. 

God: (pulls me close and we laugh together)

It seems to be a constant conversation of, “Wait, what? That’s not what you said, God.” But then we look back over the previous season and realize He was still there, and He showed up in ways that He said He would...it just looked different than what we thought. This can be in every season, moment or transition of life - the big things and the small things. Maybe you start a new job - a job that God told you to take even if you didn’t want to - and it ends up being more than you imagined it would be. Or maybe you start a dream job that the Lord opened up for you - you know there is some high expectation on this one - and then you realize it wasn’t everything you had hoped it would be. And yet, in the middle of both scenarios, there are surprises to be experienced, treasures to be discovered, and lessons to be learned despite our original expectations. 

So what do we do in those moments, chapters, seasons where what we see doesn’t match the expectations we created in our minds? It’s easy to say, “Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on, hold on. God, this isn’t what you said. YOU said this, this, and this, but that is not what I’m experiencing right now.” We’re totally fine when what we see exceeds our expectations of His word, but what about when it doesn’t? What about the times when He says, “Do this, and I’ll bless you” follows with you doing it and barely getting by? What about the times He says, “Go here, and I’ll be with you” and then you go and feel more alone than you ever have? What about the times where He says, “It’s time to play and have fun” but then you do and things seem to crumble? 

In those, “Wait, what?” moments where what He said doesn’t appear to be reality, I hold on to some keys things:

1. I go back to what He actually said, and I remind myself over and over and over again of what He said and who He is: He said I will know His kindness in this season; He’s not a liar; His Word will do what it set out to do until completion.
2. I dig deeper. My ways of thinking about kindness may not be the same as His, so I ask Him to show me the ways He has extended kindness to me in this season or in previous seasons. I don’t know why I’m still surprised that He always shows me something when I ask this, and it changes the way I see everything. 
3. I constantly ask Him what He is doing. In those freak-out moments of frustration where I don’t think He has kept His word, I ask Him what He is doing, and a word or phrase typically comes to mind that shows me a new aspect of His nature, changes the way I see my situation, and sustains me in the season.
4. I hold my expectations loosely before Him. The expectations that I have created in my head almost always look different than what actually happens, and yet I still see Him come through. I know He gives good gifts to His kids, and He does things for our good and benefit, so while I may have an expectation in my mind of what things will look like, I hold my open hands before Him with those expectations and give Him permission to show up how He said He would even if it looks different than what I originally thought.
5. I stay connected to community. The people I have invited into my journey also know what God has told me about my season, and while I’m still growing in this (as an ex-hermit who used the excuse of being an introvert in order to keep people at a distance), I am finding great value in it, because when I forget what He has said, they are there to remind me; you know, those moments where (out of love) they gently slap you in the face with their words. Those are the friends you want to keep around.

It is in the “Wait, what?” moments that I am finding the greatest discoveries. They cause me to dig deeper, go further, and explore more in this great adventure of my story. Maybe it doesn’t look like what I had hoped for or expected. Maybe it’s worse, or maybe it’s better, but my hope for things to get better and exceed my expectations will not be rooted in what I see but in what He says. Discoveries come in the “Wait, what?” moments; don’t take them for granted!

Failing at Life

What do you do when you feel like you’re failing? I don’t mean, “Yikes! I messed up there; I’ll do better next time.” I mean when you feel like you’re failing at life - when you can’t provide financially, when you feel like you’re failing in relationships (in maintaining connections and building new ones), when you feel like you’re failing in creativity and pursuing a dream, vision, or passion, when you feel like you’re failing in your job or career (you’re doing something you hate, you keep screwing up, or your job/career life is nonexistent). Come on, we’ve all been in at least one of these boats at some point or another, and if you haven’t...well, this post will be here to encourage you when that day comes.

Life Fail

But really, what do you do in those moments? Well, for starters, you remember that it’s just that - a moment. It’s super easy to get stuck in the moment of feeling like you’re failing, and it all of a sudden becomes a giant in your eyes, but the truth of the matter is, it’s just a moment. You get to start again in the next moment, and again the next day, and the next week, etc. Thank the Lord for new days, weeks, months, years, and seasons! Right?! He knew we would need to start over again and again, so He gave us the gift of time. I have found that when I take a minute to breathe, refocus and restart, failing doesn’t seem so bad.

Laughter is another key I use to unlock what feels like closed doors of failure. With each door that closes, it’s easy to feel like the initial slam hit you with a stamp on the forehead that says, “Failing at Life” in bright red ink. So what do you do in those moments? You laugh. Does that sound weird and inappropriate? Maybe; but it still helps. I’ve heard that when you laugh, you have to give something up. It’s so true. If you’re sad and begin to laugh, you can’t keep both. Something has to go. Bye bye, sadness (even if just for a minute). You can’t be angry and laugh at the same time (unless it's a fake, sarcastic laugh). I dare you: the next time you’re feeling angry, sad, or like you’re ridiculously failing at life, just start laughing at yourself and your situation. It may not change your situation, but I bet it will change your mood at least for a moment. Needless to say that I’ve laughed at myself A LOT over the last few months. When things look ridiculous, when you feel crazy, when you don’t know what is going to happen, when you feel like you’re failing...just laugh.

What else do you do when you feel like you’re failing? You thank the Lord for grace...and ask for SO much more. Then trust and hope that He’ll meet you where you are. This is so real in whatever season you’re in. The other day I was thinking about newly married couples or first-time parents after complaining to myself about not having introvert/me time for a few days. Then I thought about how that will completely change when I get married and again when I have children, and I realized that there is so much grace for those seasons when they actually come. These seasons and changes are not new to the Lord; He isn’t surprised by them. Our lives shouldn’t look the same from beginning to end (where’s the fun in that?!) - there will always be transition and change. We were made to bend, and if by chance we break, there is grace for that too. We were made to communicate and figure things out with ourselves, the Lord, and the people in our lives through each season and new situation; and then we adjust and readjust as necessary. That is part of the beauty of life and the change within it.

Staying present with my people has also been key for me in this season. I watched a movie the other day where a man got “cold feet” the morning of his wedding, and it was because

1. He spent the night alone
2. He started thinking about all of the big transitions in life before they even happened

First of all,  we were not meant to live life alone or in isolation; we need people to call us out of our crazy and remind us of the truth. Secondly, while we may plan for the future, we were made to live in the present. When we jump ahead to the what if’s while we’re in panic mode...well, I think we all know that usually doesn’t work out for our benefit, so we may as well focus on the present. Stay present with the people you’ve invited into your journey - they are gifts to you in these moments.

While I’m sure there are many other keys and tools for these moments in life, I’ll end with thankfulness. When I feel like I’m totally failing, I think maybe I don’t have my life together, but what DO I have?  I have family and friends who love me. I have people in my corner who champion me in my journey and dreams. I have words from the Lord to hold in front of me until I see them happen. I have experienced the kindness of the Lord through His presence, provision and the gifts of people He has placed in my life. I have a lot of hope for what is in store. I have tons of fun and laugh often. I have so much to be thankful for in this season.

Failing is part of life, and I think we’ve given it a bad rap for too long. What if failing isn’t a bad thing? What if failure is the launchpad to exploration, adventure and success? What if we weren’t afraid of failing? The next time you feel like you’re failing at life, just remember you’re probably doing better than you think.

Who Do You Think You Are?

I’m just warning you now, for those who haven’t seen “Moana” - spoiler alert! I’m about to unpack a lot of this story, so if you haven’t seen it...well, you should watch it, learn all the songs, memorize the dance moves, cry like a baby at the climax of the story and then come back and read this.

Firstly, I LOVE watching “kid” movies - they’re the best! As an adult(ish), I always see underlying messages, themes, principles, etc. that I never would have noticed as a child. Secondly, the Lord often speaks to me through kid movies. I will watch them and literally cry like a baby...by myself...bawling and snotting everywhere: “Up” - cried like a baby; “The Croods” - cried like a baby; “Moana” - cried like a baby. These are just a few of my recommended faves.

Ok, onto the story. There are so many things and characters we could talk about in this movie, but I think the main thing and theme is “identity.” I wonder if the writers of stories like this actually know the depth of what they’re writing or if they’re like, “Hey, this would be a great, fun, creative idea for kids.” I’m sure the thought process is much more involved than that, but I would love to sit in on that process for stories like this one. (Jared Bush and Ron Clements, if you ever see this, hit me up so I can hear about the development of this story.)

The characters I want to talk about are Moana, Maui, and Te Fiti. Ok, I’m not really going to unpack the entire story, because that would take too long, and I like to get to the point. That being said, there are basically three characters (the ones mentioned above) that need to be reminded of who they are throughout the story.

Maui (now a demigod) was originally an orphan tossed into the sea by parents who didn’t want him. The gods decided to save him and give him a special fish hook with powers, which allowed him to be a “hero to all.” Maui’s struggle throughout the story is he is always performing to be this hero, to be the best, to be loved by all. Sound familiar? Moana reminded Maui of the truth that even without the hook, he is still Maui; he is still enough; he is still worthy of love whether he has powers or not. He didn’t have to “work” to be a “somebody” or to be someone worthy of love - he already was a somebody. He was Maui. Sometimes, we need family, friends, and community to give us a swift kick and remind us who we are.

Next is Moana - the main character of the story. When things look bleak, dim and have her ready to turn back from the voyage, her grandmother appears and asks a seemingly simple question: “Moana, do you know who you are?” Ok, maybe it’s not a simple question, but it is just one question, which of course leads to...oh yes, a breakout of singing.  In the song, Moana is actually reminding herself who she is. Throughout this song, courage is reestablished giving her the momentum needed to keep going, face the unknown, and do what she was chosen to do. Sometimes, it takes a simple question (from the Lord, from ourselves, from the people around us) to get us thinking or inspire us; then it’s up to us to remind ourselves who we are.

"This is not who you are..."

Ok, lastly, and my favorite, is Te Fiti. Everyone talks about Moana in this story, because she is the main character, but I totally lost it when it came to Te Fiti, which is basically like Mother Nature in this story. At the beginning of this story, Maui takes “the heart” of Te Fiti so he can be a brave, valiant hero for the people of earth. Unfortunately, this decision has opposite, detrimental effects. Te Fiti ends up turning into Te Ka, which is basically a fire/lava monster. Up until the climax of the story, you are led to believe that Te Fiti and Te Ka are two different characters, but at the climax you realize they’re one in the same. Ya’ll, I cry EVERY time I see this part. Moana realizes that Te Ka is actually Te Fiti and starts singing, “This isn’t who you are, who you really are…” and you see this instant change in countenance where Te Ka realizes the truth - she’s not a fire/lava monster of destruction, but a nurturing, creator of life - and her guards come down. Next, Moana gives Te Ka her “heart” back and she becomes herself (Te Fiti) again.

I will go in a different direction with this in another post, but for now, I will say that sometimes we need to remind our hearts who we REALLY are, because when our hearts have been violated, we become self-protecting “monsters” that destroy things around us instead of life-giving creatives. Sometimes, we have to take a moment to let the guards down, let the hardness melt away from our hearts, and let past offenses go (even when it’s scary) so we can be who we really are and do what we were created for.

So who do you think you are? Maybe that’s not who you actually are. Maybe you need to be reminded of the truth - you’re a creative, life-giving, courageous son or daughter worthy of love. You are you, and that is enough. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves who we are. Sometimes we need others to do that for us. Ok, I literally just had “The Lion King” moment pop into my head where the words of Simba’s dad thunder and echo across the plains - “Simba, remember who you are…” Anyone else? No? Don’t lie. You’re welcome for another great movie to add to your watch or rewatch list (brought to you by Disney and Pixar...well really just my active, all-over-the-place mind).

Remember: You are YOU; You're enough; You're worth it!

Measure Up

So what’s your measuring stick? You know what I’m talking about - that thing you use to determine whether or not you’re good enough. I took a minute to look up the word “measure,” (www.merriam-webster.com is one of my best friends) and a couple of definitions stood out to me:

• an adequate or due portion
• a basis or standard of comparison

Let's be real. We're measured and compared to norms our entire lives...literally from birth. You pop out and are immediately weighed, measured and checked. The doctors then decide whether or not you're in a normal range for newborns. We come into the world being compared. No wonder we have issues. I have found that the measuring stick norms go well beyond height and weight throughout our lives - if I can just do this or be that or reach this goal or have this job...the list will never end, because we will never be enough in these scenarios. We can measure or compare literally any and everything in our lives: our appearance, health, relationships, families, careers, talents/abilities, even our very personhood. 

The truth is if our value, worth or “enoughness” (yeah, I just made that up, and yes, I have a degree that says I can teach English) comes from an external factor, nothing will ever be enough. We will constantly try to jump higher, run further, better ourselves or our lives somehow or try to “measure up.” BUT what if you were already enough. 

I’ve spoken with a couple of different people lately who just feel down about how their lives appear right now. The truth is that they have beautiful lives; there are just a few things that aren’t ideal, which, let’s be honest, is probably what many of us think about our lives. So why do those few not-so-ideal things feel SO big, so inadequate, so wrong? I’d venture to say that shame is the culprit. Brene Brown does a TED Talk on shame where she breaks down the difference between guilt and shame. She says, “Shame is I am bad; guilt is I did something bad.”

First of all, I encourage any and everyone to watch this TED Talk - she is phenomenal! Just have some tissues ready...like a whole box of tissues. (You can see her talk here.) Secondly, let’s talk about shame and the measuring stick. I would say that shame is the top notch of the measuring stick that taunts you. In a world where the goal is to constantly improve or be better, shame comes in and bombards your thoughts with, “You’re not there yet - it's probably too late; you’ll never measure up; you can never be good enough; look at your life and what you’ve become - what happened? You'll never be a somebody.” And the accusations can last a lifetime if you let them. 

Shame attacks your personhood and everything attached to it, but the truth is shame is a liar. It tries to tell you who you are, but shame isn’t your Creator and doesn’t actually know you at all. We can often associate what we do with who we are. My roomie, who is a little ball of fiery, Guatemalan passion, is constantly reminding people who they are...who they REALLY are. On the mirror in our room, she has written “you are not what you do.” Actually, it’s on a couple of different mirrors, ya know, just in case we missed it.

I have personally had a lot of breakthrough in this area. As someone who played sports most of my youth, made straight A’s through almost my entire education, and also performs musically, I have had my share of measuring-stick moments where not making the cut meant that I wasn’t good enough; failing meant that I was a failure; missing one play or note meant that I personally was a letdown...at least in my mind. It took me a long time (and I’m still making progress) to realize that my skills, abilities, status, job, life situations (or lack thereof), etc. are not actually who I am - they’re simply pieces of my life, my story that will go up and down as the plot of my life continues to unfold. 

Just yesterday, I realized I was still dealing with this issue. It's funny how these things tend to have layers and unravel at the most inconvenient times. Yesterday, I had my first vocal training lesson, and I’m not talking about just singing some scales to check my vocal range. I was lying on the floor for half of it doing pelvic exercises, making weird noises and trying to connect them with my lower belly, singing at walls with arm movements to project my voice, trying not to use neck muscles, figuring out resonance, etc. (The only reason I didn’t think this was weird is because I’ve sat in on voice and speech classes for acting...I'm use to weird.) My goal in starting lessons was to begin training my voice before destroying it, because I’ve grown up singing, belting, talking and shouting without knowing how to properly use my voice; my coach definitely has her work cut out for her. So the best part (I know, these are the moments you all live for) is I’m lying on the floor while my coach is telling me to relax and not use my muscles - something I clearly don’t know how to do - and is asking me to sing a certain way. I’m starting to get a little frustrated (not at my coach, but myself) mostly because I just don’t know how to do what she’s asking. And then, wait for it...wait for it...yep, there’s the tears. So I’m lying on the floor, crying, and she says, “It’s fine. I rarely have a lesson where people don’t cry.” Ok, now I’m laughing and crying on the floor. Anyway, I realized in that moment I was still trying to get it "right" and do it perfectly - if I don’t get it right, what’s the point? I mean, if I can’t do it right, I’m probably not good enough. I know, even as I’m writing, I realize how illogical that thinking is (but we do this ALL the time). The whole purpose of training is to learn how to do it properly, not to be good enough, but to take care of my voice. 

Maybe you feel like you’ve failed or messed up in some areas, or maybe you even feel like you’re totally failing at life. Maybe you feel like you can't get it right, can't figure out the right answer, can't be perfect, can't make it work or can't measure up. Whatever you can't seem to do, just remember you’re not what you do...or what you don’t do for that matter. The following blows my mind:

As an inventor, Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb. When a reporter asked, "How did it feel to fail 1,000 times?" Edison replied, "I didn't fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps." (https://www.uky.edu/) 

You have your whole life to fail. It doesn’t mean you’re a failure. You’re not what you do. Tell shame to shove it and enjoy the current chapter of your story. Sure, it may not look like what you anticipated or what someone else anticipated, but it’s not anyone else’s story to tell or live. No one else gets to determine whether or not you or your life measure up, so remove the measuring stick and be present in the current chapter of your story. You get to figure out the invention at the end of your 1,000-step process.

Unapologetic

Have you ever been around those people who constantly apologize...for nothing? Or maybe you are that person. I both know that person and have been that person. But what are you actually apologizing for? I’m not talking about those moments where we screw up, drop the ball or cause a mess - those are moments that, of course, require some ownership and an apology. I’m talking about those things we apologize for because, along the line somewhere, someone or something made you think that what you do, what you say or who you are isn’t acceptable or enough. I’m sure there’s a line that can be crossed with this, and we have to hold everything in tension throughout our lives in this great balancing act; however, I’m going to assume you know where that line is (for now) and talk for a bit about being unapologetic for who you are and those things that you know you’re suppose to pursue in life. 

I feel like I’ve personally experienced this a lot over the last year and have also had this conversation quite a bit with others - some older, some younger, and some the same age as I am, so I know this runs across the board. 

I was having a conversation recently with a friend who, like me, is in their early 30s, and he was basically asking if I ever felt pressured to pursue a “normal” life - you know, the one with the house, the dog, the career, the family...all that jazz - or to have that 5-year plan laid out. And I responded that I have definitely felt that at some point, but when I looked back over my life, I realize that it wasn’t necessarily pressure that I felt, but shame. I had been measuring what my life looks like by what I thought other people or society thinks it should look like. The funny thing about that is it is often the story that we’ve created in our own heads that puts that measuring stick there. We assume we know what people think and then place that stick so high over our heads that we can never measure up instead of actually taking time to explore our lives and what we really want them to look like. 

I was sitting in a park the other day, you know, just chilling by myself on a blanket while journaling, and as I was writing, I realized I still felt shame about the particular season I’m in right now. I believe the Lord has told me it’s a season to “play,” which, as an adult, feels a bit irresponsible (even though I’ve had several people - some who know me, and some who don’t - confirm this season for me). And the funny (or not so funny) thing is, I have so many people who love and support me in this, who agree that this is what the Lord has said, and who are championing me in this, and yet, I still have moments where I realize I feel shame about my season. What’s that about? I’m sure no one else ever deals with this…

So while I was sitting in the park...by myself...crying…(I’m just going to give you a moment to envision this and laugh a little), I took a moment to repent for shaming myself, and I apologized to the Lord for measuring my season - the season He said I was in; the season He planned for me - by what I think it should look like. He said “It’s time to play,” and that doesn’t mean I have to create some end goal or purpose in it. I just have to listen to and remind myself of what He said until He says something new.

I don’t know about you, but I’m so over that shame game. It’s not fun, it doesn’t benefit anyone, and it is definitely not from the Lord. I am finding the freedom in unapologetically being present in my current season in life. I am finding the freedom in being unapologetically me. I am finding the freedom in unapologetically pursuing the current dreams inside of me. And I’m realizing that even though I have people in my corner, there may be times that I stand alone in this, and that will also be ok, because Jesus never apologized for pursuing the things the Father set before Him, and if He is our ultimate example, we get to do the same.

For those who are playing that shame game, I give you permission to unapologetically be yourself, to pursue your dreams, and to be present in your season. I give you permission to NOT justify your “why” or what the Lord has called you to. We sometimes have to pursue the things that are deep within us at the risk of being misunderstood, at the risk of losing connection, and at the risk of standing alone, but I believe that when you are unapologetically true to yourself that it will be worth it.

Ripple Effects

Lately, there has been a lot of talk about transition.  Transition in most cases is good. Many times it involves stepping out of old mindsets and into new ones.  Transition usually brings growth. Transition is good. Transition is hard. Even when I know that I am doing something beneficial, stepping out into the unknown is usually scary. My greatest insecurities are triggered while I find a new normal.   

One of the things that we don’t talk about is the ripple effect of transition. I have both caused and felt this ripple. Most of the time, my decisions don’t just affect me. If I lived in a bubble, they might, but alas, I don’t. Seemingly innocuous decisions can still affect those around us. .  Then there are the bigger decisions of transition. When I made the decision to move to northern California for ministry school, my decision had a rather large ripple effect. My employer had to find someone to replace me, my mom had to find a new place to live, and my friends had to adjust to me living 1,500 miles away. Unfortunately, not all of my relationships survived the ripples. All of that is part of the transition.

What about when someone else’s transition affects you?  

Two weeks ago, my California best friend moved ten hours away.  To say I miss her is an understatement of epic proportions. That’s real. That’s raw. I support her with every fiber of my being. I actually agree with her decision. I probably knew she was going to leave before she did. I’ve always had a “sense” about these things; however, it doesn’t change the fact that it sucks. Before she left, she was staying with me for a couple of weeks.  Then we had the fire and evacuation, and everything has felt chaotic since.

We have walked through a lot of the transition together. We talk pretty regularly and know what is going on in each other’s lives, but here’s the thing: while she is creating a new normal in a new city, I am also having to create a new normal here. We went from seeing each other regularly to not at all. I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that she isn’t just going to walk through my front door. I still invite her to dinner parties even though she is hundreds of miles away, because I just can’t not invite her. Yes, my heart is sad that I don’t have my bestie around to go get coffee with whenever, but at the same time, I celebrate her and the risks she is taking to live her best life.

 

So how do we deal with the ripple effect?  How do we navigate our own new normals while still trying to be supportive of the new normals that caused the ripples? I think the most important part of it is being honest with ourselves and with them. Mel knows I miss her like crazy.  I don’t tell her that to guilt her. She also knows I support her and celebrate her, but I am honest with her. Part of me DOES wish she was still here…sitting on my couch watching a movie and eating chocolate chip cookies.  However, a bigger part of me wants to see her fly and to see her thrive. I want her to live her best life even when that life is hours away from where I am. So here we are finding our new normals together. Now our normals look like FaceTime dates and celebrating each other from afar.  It looks like planning trips to meet halfway to spend a weekend together. It looks like crying at 3:00 a.m. when I can’t sleep again and I’m missing her. That part will get easier as the normals become, well, normal. But there won’t be a point where I don’t miss her. She’s my framily (yes, framily), my birthday buddy, my sister. She’s the one who basically got me through the second year of ministry school, has championed me, yelled at me and fed me when I was too tired (or broke) to feed myself.  That is a friendship that distance cannot touch. We are intentional and find ways to make it work and celebrate each other.

Sometimes the ripples feel like waves that are going to overwhelm and drown, but I guess in the end, we will just learn how to ride those waves to find new adventure. We still have years worth of memories to make with each other.  And seeing someone I love so much chase her dreams and begin to fly to new heights is the reason I can be okay with the ripples. Seeing my best friend thrive just makes it all #worthit.

-Tabitha Smith